Episode 5: Daddy Gets Laid Off

Scene 1

Thelma Dullard is in the kitchen, enjoying her beloved pork rinds along with cheese puffs and diet soda. She is watching a Christian program where the talking head is bemoaning people in a far off country who will burn in hell because they haven’t found Christ. Dan Dullard enters the room and puts down his laptop. He opens it which prominently displays a sticker saying, “Property of EnormCo.”

Dan: Thel, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been laid off.

Thelma: (turns the tv off and burps)

Dan: Is that all you can do?

Thelma: Sorry, dear. I’m in shock. (burps again) The Lord is testing us. Why did they lay you off? You have worked there 24 years.

Dan: They singled me out for my Christian beliefs.

Thelma: They will roast in hell. (pauses and tries to think) Does this mean we won’t get any more toilet paper from the company storeroom?

Dan: I’m afraid it does. How will I tell the children? It’s so unfair.

In a titanic struggle, Thelma gets up from her chair. She opens the refrigerator and stuffs 2 ice cream treats into her mouth, trying to ease the pain. Dan starts to surf the web for sites advertising mail order brides.

Scene 2

Rick Patrick Dullard slowly ambles into the kitchen. He is rather immature for an 11 year old. His obese belly hangs out a bit from his untucked shirt. Charity and Rush follow behind. Rick sees his parents are upset.

Rick: I didn’t do it.

Thelma: (chomps on a pork rind) Honey, we aren’t upset with you.

Rush: What did you want to talk to us about?

Charity: Are you going to warn us about Aunt Jane again?

Thelma: You should stay away from that sinner, but we have to talk to you about something else now. The good Lord has put a challenge before our Christian family to test our faith.

Dan: Yes, I have been laid off. I will have to find a new job.

Rick: Does that mean we will have to buy school supplies at the store, like other families?

Thel: (gestures with a hand with cheese stains) Yes, Ricky. It does. We will have to struggle to get by. (bows her head to make a short prayer and then spills her diet soda)

The phone rings, and Dan picks it up.

Dan: No, I don’t know where the laptop went…..I don’t know a thing about the boxes of copy paper……I didn’t even know that the company bought the higher ups tickets to the game…I resent these questions. I’m a good Christian! (hangs up)

Charity: Daddy, are you a thief? Are you going to roast in hell like Mom says all bad people will?

Thelma: How dare you? Go upstairs and pray so that won’t roast in hell, young lady!

Charity runs upstairs crying.

Charity: Oh my God. Daddy’s going to jail. Mom will have to sell me to the abeeists or the homerspecials!

Rush: (walks upstairs, muttering to himself) Only three months till I’m 18. Only three months till I’m 18.

Thelma drags herself off the chair, goes to get a paper towel from a stack Dan had pilfered from the EnormCo restroom, and cleans the spilled soda, breathing heavily.