Episode 12: Danger! Dullards Approach the Workplace

Scene 1:

A nervous Rush Dullard walks into Boring Corners Puters. The store owner, Noah Chopper, is waiting for him. Rush almost stumbles into a display.

Noah: Hey, you’re Sean’s friend Rush, right?

Rush: Yes sir.

Noah: (laughs) You don’t have to call me sir, Dude, I have an opening you might be just right for. Sean says you play a lot of computer games.

Rush: (worried) I promise I’ll never play video games at work. I’ll work really hard.

Noah: Chill. The opening is in video and computer game sales.

Rush: Awesome. (gets a big, toothy grin)

Noah: Cool, what’s your favorite game?

Rush: (very eager) Bible Fight rocks! So does any game where the lions kill the Christians…. (pauses and looks terrified after realizing what he has just said)

Noah: Sean showed me that game! It’s wicked! You’re hired!

Scene 2:

Thelma Dullard is staring at the business card that her sister Jane Thomas gave her. Being a plus size model sounds so sinful, but Thelma feels really deprived at having to cut back on her pork rinds, ice cream desserts, and diet soda. Thelma offers a silent prayer to her maker and walks slowly towards the phone, with the floor quaking beneath her.

Thelma: (into the phone) Can I please speak to Spike Bachman?

Spike Backmann, a butch dyke with extremely fashionable clothes is on the other end.

Spike: Speaking, babe. (unzips her $12,000 leather jacket)

Thelma: (flustered) Hello, uhh…my name is Thelma Dullard, my sister Jane Thomas says you have work as a plu, plu, Pluto sized model…I mean a plus sized model.

Spike: Yeah, I know Jane. She’s says you’re pretty big. Can you stand still and look happy for a couple of hours?

Thelma: I sure can. I’ll think of the pork rinds I can buy.

Spike: (gets a WTF look on her face) Great, babe. Show up at 3467 Genesis Corners, Suite 664 at Noon tomorrow. We’ll make you into a big fashion star!

Thelma: Thanks so much.

After she gets off the phone, Thelma gets down on her knees, sobbing.

Thelma: I am so sorry Lord. Please don’t make me roast in Hell.

Thelma slowly struggles back to her feet, regretting having knelt down.

Scene 3:

The next day, Thelma gets ready for her work assignment. She has the kids gathered in front of her. Rush, Rick Patrick, and Charity Dullard look on at their terrified mother.

Thelma: Mommy is going to have to go to work today. I know this isn’t what the Lord would ordinarily want, but with your father being laid off, I have to help take care of this family.

Rick Patrick: What are you going to do, Mommy?

Thelma: (almost in tears) You must never ask me that, young man.

Charity: Can I stay at Aunt Jane’s?

Thelma: Young lady, you will not go to her house until she stops being a lesterbian! You will stay at home and watch Christian TV like a good young lady!

Charity: (depressed) Yes, mommy.

Thelma: And, Rush, don’t you let that Satanic Sean Coulter into our house while I’m gone!

Thelma lumbers out like she is facing an execution. Rush then walks to the phone and starts pressing the buttons.

Rush: Hey Sean! Come over dude. Thel’s gone. You wouldn’t believe what she is doing.

Charity: (looks at Rush with anticipation) I guess we both are going to Hell. I’ll go play with my dolls while I’m waiting. (runs upstairs with a smile on her face)

Rick Patrick: Should we explain to her what Hell means?

Rush: Why ruin her childhood so soon? She’ll have years to suffer later with Mom and Dad.

Rick Patrick goes over, and turns on the TV to watch an episode of Chrystal Peters’ show. He stares in lustful awe.

Chrystal: (breathing heavily) Are you a big, strong, Christian man? Do you want to be saved…just…like…me…..

Episode 11: Time for Church

Scene 1:

People with SUVs and other gas guzzlers are driving into the parking lot of the Boring Corners Ultrachurch. Sean Coulter’s parents are admiring somebody’s minivan while Sean Coulter is confronted by Assistant Pastor David. David is a hairy man with big shoulders and a fairly big belly. David stares at Sean with fury.

Asst. Pastor David: How dare you dress the way you do! Your long hair and mascara are so sinful!

Sean: (laughs): Chill dude.

Asst. Pastor David: Is that all you have to say?

Sean: It’s not like I even want to be here. The parental units are forcing me to show.

Asst. Pastor David: That is the wrong kind of attitude.

Sean: Dude, I’m a lost soul. Stop obsessing on saving me. (walks away)

Sean sees Rush Dullard in the crowd and walks over to him.

Rush: Hey, Gothman, protector of fun from the evil forces of Christianity.

Sean: Not so loud, dude. Our rents might hear, and we’re not 18 yet.

Rush: (laughs) Oops. How’s it going?

Sean: I talked to Patty Palin. (winks)

Rush: (silly schoolboy crush smile) How’s she doing?

Sean: She thinks you’re cool for accepting me as gay.

Rush: (beaming) She does? Wow.

Nelson Norris walks towards Sean and Rush.

Nelson: Young man. Don’t worry about what that guy says. God doesn’t care about how you dress or what your hair is like.

Sean: Ummmm…OK. Who are you?

Nelson: Nelson Norris. (They shake hands.) I just get tired of people judging people by hair and clothes.

Sean: That’s cool. This is my friend Rush. (more handshaking) Church is starting. I better go hang with the parental ATM machines.

Nelson: (smiles but not sexually) Nice meeting you, young man.

Sean goes over to his parents. His mom notices Nelson and flashes a look of terror on her face.

Scene 2:

Rev. E.Z. Cash is walking out of the church, tired from all his Bible thumping, and sees Dan Dullard with Thelma Dullard.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: How’s the job hunt going?

Dan: (nervous) Nothing yet.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Well, we have good news for you. We have a job opening up.

Dan: (excited) What is it?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: We need a new church janitor. The last one has gotten a higher paying job at CrudMart.

Dan: I applied for that job. (shrugs)

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Are you interested?

Dan: (not doing a great job of hiding his sadness and disgust) Sure, I need a job. Thank you so much, Reverend.

Thelma: (beaming) Thank you so much, Reverend Cash. You are such an inspiration to us all.

Rush walks towards his Dad.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Good man, and remember to tithe. Work hard on your new job.

Cash walks away.

Rush: You got a job, Dad?

Dan: (crestfallen) Yes, son.

Rush: What’s wrong?

Dan: I’m going to be the new Boring Corners Megachurch custodian.

Thelma: God respects all honest work. You are a good man, Dan.

Rush’s eyes are laughing, but he says nothing. He walks over to Sean, who is staring at his shoes waiting for his parents to stop gossiping with their friends.

Rush: (giggling) Guess what? Dad’s going to be the new church janitor.

Sean: Don’t laugh too hard. Your family will be living on that salary.

Rush: It’s too funny. I don’t care. Dude, are there any openings at Boring Corners Puters, where you work?

Sean: There is a part time thang, and you are qualified. Dude, I think you are going to get tired of me.

Rush: Awwww…I’ll never get tired of my best friend.

Sean: If you get any mushier, I won’t refer you for the job. (winks)

Rush: (sees something) That creepy Assistant Pastor David is walking this way. Let’s walk home.

Sean: I’m running. Last one at my house has to kiss him, or even worse, listen to him.

Rush: (laughs) No fair dude. You run faster than I do.

(They run off.)

Episode 10: Dumb Man, Smart Girl

Scene 2

Dan Dullard is watching fundamentalist Christian TV and drooling. He is so wrapped up in what he’s watching that the remote drops onto the floor from his fingers. The show is starring Chrystal Peters, a former porn star who saw an image of Jesus in body makeup she spilled in her bathroom sink.

Chrystal: (breathy on TV) I know that times are…hard. But, if you possibly can, please find it in your heart to give to this ministry.

Dan: I wish I could. I really, really do.

The phone rings. Dan stumbles on the remote as he walks to answer.

Dan: (on phone) Hello? … Hi Assistant Pastor David….No, I’m sorry, I don’t have a job yet. I can’t give any money to the church…Please don’t kick my family out…I’ll keep looking for a job….Thanks, bye. (hangs up)

Thelma Dullard struggles her way into the room with a series of dull thuds.

Thelma: Dan, I hear thunder. Please turn the channel over to the weather, dear.

Dan: (groans) All right. This is tornado season. (whispers) Bye for now, Chrystal.

TV: There is a severe thunderstorm warning for Robertson County as a multicell thunderstorm is headed directly towards Boring Corners. There is a chance of dime size hail, and expect strong winds.

Thelma: Darn! I wanted to go grocery shopping.

TV: In other news, the Boring Corners Bank and Trust is the latest victim in a series of robberies by a weird suspect wearing a devil’s mask.

Thelma: He will roast in hell!

Dan looks like a light bulb just went off in his head.

Scene 2:

In the courtyard in front of Boring Corners High, Sean Coulter is walking over to his friend Patty Palin. Patty is a studious girl who is better at math than her teachers. He gets there with a big smile on his face.

Patty: How did it go with Rush?

Sean: He was totally cool with me coming out. He’s known about me since we were kids. I wish he would have told me. (laughs)

Patty: (stunned) Is this Rush you’re talking about? He always seemed a bit slow. No offense.

Sean: (flashes a naughty smile) He’s a smart guy. But…..

Patty: What?

Sean: He’d kill me if I told him.

Patty: Don’t worry. I won’t tell him.

Sean: OK, he only acts dumb around you.

Patty: Why would he act dumb around me?

Sean: It’s not on purpose….His IQ goes down about 60 points when he’s around a girl he’s got a crush on.

Patty: (eyeballs almost pop out) He has a crush on me? Come on. No straight boy in this high school has a crush on me.

Sean: He has a thing for smart girls. If you knew his mother, you’d know why.

Patty: His mother’s smart?

Sean: Nope, she’s dumb as a post.

Patty: (mad) You can’t say that.

Sean: One time, she chewed out an Indian woman with a Sari for wearing a “burpa.”

Patty: (eyes rolling) It’s a burqa, not a “burpa.”

Sean: (smirking) You know that, I know that, Rush knows that…but Rush’s Mom…..

Patty: Wow, she is dumb. Wait, this whole thing is a joke. He isn’t into me.

Sean: Yeah, he is. Sometimes, he gets like a deer in the headlights when he sees you in the library.

Patty: I don’t know what to say.

Sean: Rush is so going to kill me.

Episode 9: What Turns You On?

Scene 1:

Jane Thomas sees her sister Thelma Dullard at the Boring Corners Mall and intercepts her at the hot dog stand.

Jane: Thel!

Thelma: I don’t want you talking to me until you stop eating kittens.

Jane: (offended) Lesbians don’t eat kittens. We don’t eat dogs, parrots, or any other kind of pets either. Where do you come up with this crap? (realizes what Thelma meant and starts to laugh) Oh, I get what you are trying to say. Thel, you really need to get out more.

Thelma: You need to accept Christ and stop being a lesbianese!

Jane: It’s lesbian! (heavy sigh) Anyway, I’m here to help you now that Dan got laid off.

Thelma: It’s so terrible how they singled him out because of his Christian beliefs.

Jane: That’s odd. I heard Enormco laid him off because he stole so much stuff from them.
Anyway, I’m here to help. A friend of mine is looking for plus size models for a photo shoot.

Thelma: I’m a good Christian woman! I won’t expose myself this way.

Jane: (laughs) They are modeling winter coats. You won’t have to show any skin that isn’t on your face. Here, take her card and at least think about it.

Thelma takes the card and storms off in a slow huff.

Scene 2:

Rush Dullard and Sean Coulter are walking home from school.

Rush: I was wondering something about you telling me you’re gay.

Sean: I’m so glad I got that over with. It’s such a relief.

Rush: (nervous) Were you telling me because you’re into me? (hesitates) I’m not gay, but you’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you cause I’m not into you that way.

Sean: Relax, you’re not my type…not even close.

Rush: What is your type?

Sean: I’m totally into Daddy Bears.

Rush: (eyes open really wide) What the fuck? You’re into animals?

Sean: (laughing uncontrollably) Dude…I’m not…into animals. (laughs some more) Daddy Bears is gayspeak.

Rush: (confused but relieved) What for?

Sean: Daddies are guys old enough to be your father, and bears are big hairy guys, fat, muscular, or both.

Rush: Wow. You guys live in a different world. Anyway…Dude, now I wonder. Is my Mom a bear?

Sean: Nah, you have to be a guy to be a bear, besides it’s not like she’s hairy.

Rush: Well…

Sean: Ewwwwww! Anyway, the main thing is that I’m not lusting after you. You can relax. OK?

Rush: Cool.

Episode 8: Dan Gets in Trouble with His Pastor

Scene 1:

Dan Dullard is sitting in the Dullards’ living room watching football instead of job hunting after his company laid him off. Thelma Dullard is vacuuming the furniture, while looking for change under the cushions. The doorbell rings, and Thelma answers it.

Rev. E.Z Cash of the Boring Corners Ultrachurch comes into view as Thelma opens the door. He is wearing an Armani suit, Prada shoes, and a watch so expensive that it screams “steal me.”

Thelma: (beaming) Good evening reverend. Please come in. Won’t you have a seat?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Thanks ma’am. I need to speak to your husband alone.

Thelma: (worried) Sure…I’ll go clean. (drags her lumbering form up the stairs)

Rev. E.Z. Cash: (concerned) We all know the economy is bad because a Kenyan, socialist, atheist, Muslim is in the White House. We understand that cash is short. But, you have to be a good Christian breadwinner and get a job.

Dan: (ashamed) I’m trying, but no one has called back yet.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: That may be, but we can’t keep you in our congregation forever if you aren’t tithing.

Dan: Aren’t Christians supposed to help the poor and unfortunate?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: That’s a bunch of liberal, communist, atheist, PC bull. God showers his abundance on good Christians. If you don’t have a job, you aren’t a good enough Christian.

Dan: I’m so sorry…

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Otherwise, you will have to attend the Merely Megachurch down the road.

Dan: (horrified) I’ll do my best. Will you pray for me?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Of course! I’ve got to get going.

Cash lets himself out while Dan sits in stunned silence for a moment. Then, Dan gets up, turns on his laptop, and actually looks at job search sites.

Scene 2:

Rush Dullard is walking up to the front porch of the Dullard residence as Rev. E.Z. Cash is leaving.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Hello, young man. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.

Rush: (suspiciously) About what, Pastor?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: You should get a job. You are almost 18, and you should be tithing already.

Rush: Yeah, you gotta pay for those expensive…uh…missionary programs.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Our church does important work among those people in Africa.

Rush: (trying to hide his disgust at the patronizing and racist comment) Gotta go study. Bye.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Think about what I said. (walks towards his brand new luxury SUV which gets under 10 mpg)

Rush checks to see if Rev. E.Z. Cash is looking back. Once he’s sure that isn’t the case, he gives the Rev. the finger.

Episode 7: Rush’s Best Friend Comes Out to Him

Scene 1:

Rush Dullard is playing Bible Fight on his best friend’s computer. Sean Coulter is laughing while watching Rush’s biblical character kicking some ass. Sean checks his goth eye shaddow and tricolor hair in the mirror.

Sean: Your mom rocks for warning us about this game.

Rush: (scowls) Dude, don’t ever say my mom rocks again.

Sean: (laughs) Ohhhh….all right. I just wish she would warn you about more evil stuff on the Internets.

Rush: Soon enough, I won’t have to hear her Jesusing at me all the time.

Sean: That will be awesome. By the way, have you figured out what you want to change your name to?

Rush: Well, I think I’ll use Dillon for my last name. It starts with a D, but isn’t as heinous as Dullard.

Sean: Still stuck in the J’s for the first name.

Rush: Yeah, I like Jason, Jeff…or maybe Jeremy.

Sean: Kicks the shit out of Rush.

Rush: I’ll tell you when I make up my mind. Mom and Dad will shit Bibles when they find out.

Sean: Speaking of telling something…I really need to tell you something.

Rush: Sup?

Sean: (nervous) I….can’t stand it. I have to tell you I’m gay.

Rush: Duh!

Sean: I’m serious, dude.

Rush: Yeah, I know.

Sean: Fucking shit. I’ve been worrying for three years about telling you and you already knew?

Rush: I knew you were gay since we were five or six.

Sean: And it didn’t bother you?

Rush: Nope, don’t care…. Ok, ok. That’s a lie.

Sean: (nervous) What do you mean?

Rush: I have to admit that it is way cool that if my parents ever found out, it would make them freak. (laughs)

Sean: (laughs) Yeah, your biggest dream in life is to piss off your parents.

Rush: If you had my parents…..Dude, wait! If you ever march in a gay pride parade, you have to let me go with you and carry a sign that says “I Love My Gay Best Friend.” Emailing the picture would make Dad’s heart stop, and it would make me look good to the smart chicks that turn me on.

Sean: (laughs) You’re so fuckin’ noble it makes my teeth ache. Let’s play some more Bible Fight.

Rush: About freakin time.

Episode 6: Rotten Parents

Scene 1:

Dan Dullard is looking at mail order bride sites on the laptop he stole from work while pretending to look for a new job. Rick Patrick Dullard runs into the room with a baseball and bat, looking really eager.

Rick: Dad, will you show me how to hit a baseball better.

Dan: Be quiet boy! I’m busy!

Rick: But, the other kids say I throw like a girl…

Dan: You will burn in Hell if you keep disobeying your father. Keep quiet.

Rick runs back upstairs crying. Dan picks up the phone.

Dan: Hey Pal. You sent your boy to military school, right? Did it man him up?

Scene 2:

Later, Thelma Dullard is lying on the couch snoring, with a pork rind on her navel which is sticking out of an 3XL shirt that is too small for her. Her mind goes into another sexy dream about Rush Limbaugh. Thelma and the dream version of Rush are walking home from an ice cream parlor.

Thelma: Rush, you are such a man.

Rush Limbaugh, Dream Version: We’re almost at my place. I can’t wait to devour you.

Thelma: I can’t wait, you big hunk of man, you.

Rush Limbaugh, Dream Version: (opens the door and leads Thelma into the bedroom) Now, we can finally live our enormous, undying passion for each other.

Thelma: Oh Rush! (they kiss)

Rush Dullard runs downstairs into the living room. He sees Thelma lying on the couch, asleep and undulating.

Thelma: Rush, take me now! I’m yours.

Rush Dullard looks panicked.

Thelma: Let me be your dirty girl, Rush. I’ll do anything, anything.

Rush Dullard bolts back up the stairs

Scene 3:

Rush Dullard is playing a video game involving the lions killing the Christians with his little brother Rick.

Rick: I asked Dad to show me how to hit a baseball better, and he told me to shut up. I hate him.

Rush: Yeah, I hate Dad too, but it’s probably a good thing he didn’t.

Rick: Why? The kids at school keep making fun of me.

Rush: He can’t hit a baseball either. It would be like Mom giving out dieting advice. I’ll show you in a few minutes, but first, let’s kill us some more Christians.

Rick: Awesome!

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