Episode 2: Lesbian Aunt

Scene I:

Thel Dullard is watching Christian television and eating more of her famous pork rinds. She feels uplifted by the threats of damnation emanating from her tv screen.  She hears a knock on the door and struggles to drag her immense body over to answer it.  It’s her sister, Jane Thomas.

Thel: What a surprise….didn’t I tell you I was busy this week.

Jane: Yes, that incredibly exhausting tv schedule must be wiping you out.  Can I come in?  I really need to talk to you about something.

Thel: All right, already.  Come in.  Obviously, you don’t mind interrupting  the word of Christ.

Jane: (sighs) Thanks, Thel.

They sit in the tv room while Thel looks perturbed.

Thel: Just a minute…

Jane: I have something to tell you.  I’ve waited years, but I can’t keep it a secret anymore.

Thel: (Waves her off) Just a minute…wait till a commercial.

Jane: It can’t wait!  Dammit, listen to me.

Thel: Shhhhhh…

Jane: I’m a lesbian.

Thel: You’ll say anything for attention.  Now, be quiet.  (Thel leans over to listen to the condemnation of abortion providers.)

Jane: This is no joke.  I’m in love with a woman, and she’s moving in with me.

Thel: How dare you talk that kind of filth in my house!!

Jane: It’s not just talk.  It’s for real.

Thel: You really are going to roast in Hell!  Get out of my house!

Jane: Some sister you are. (walks out and slams the door)

Thelma takes a big bunch of pork rinds and stuffs them into her mouth.

Scene II:

Charity Dullard struggles to unlock the door, but gets there, doing well for a 6 year old coping with a poorly maintained lock.  She maintains a sunny disposition despite her parents. She runs into the tv room to greet Thel.

Charity: Mommy, mommy! Wanna hear my good news?

Thel: Sure honey, I could use some good news.

Charity: Aunt Jane is a lesbian!  Isn’t that cool?

Thel: (Gasps and looks like she will have a coronary or a stroke.) Don’t you ever say that again!

Charity: Why not mommy?  Boys are gross.  I want to be a lesbian like Aunt Jane when I grow up.

Thel points upstairs and looks like she wants to go on a murder spree.

Thel: Get upstairs young lady.  I don’t ever want you to say that you want to be a lesbian again.  Don’t come down until dinner.

Charity: (confused) Yes, mommy.

Charity runs upstairs, bewildered.  Once she is out of site of her mother, she motions her finger around in circles, the universal crazy person symbol.

Scene III:

Dan Dullard arrives home from work.

Dan: Honey, I’m home.

Thel: Daniel, I have to talk to you.

Dan: It will have to wait.  Get me a beer.

Thel: It can not wait.  The Lord would not allow it.  My sister has gone to far.  She is telling people that she is a lesbian.  Our daughter is too young to understand, but that didn’t stop her from saying that she wants to be a lesbian when she grows up.

Dan: Your sister really is doing the work of Satan.   Sometimes I wonder how you two can even be related.  I will not have my innocent daughter saying she is a lesbianna.  Your sister is banned from this house.

Thel: What will our pastor say?  Will he banish us?  I don’t want to have to go to another church where they make you stand up to pray and sing.

Dan opens a laptop computer and starts typing.  On the back, you can see a label that says “Property of Acme Industries, Inc.”

Dan: There! I’ve emailed that horrible Jane and told her as long as she is obsessed with cunnilipulous, she cannot set foot in our good Christian home.  Now, get me a beer, Thel!

Thel: I’m glad to be your ever so humble wife.  (Thel struggles towards the kitchen.)

When Thelma is out of the room, Dan starts thumbing through a catalog for mail order brides.


3 responses to this post.

  1. ha-ha Absolutely love it 🙂


  2. […] About « Episode 2: Lesbian Aunt […]


  3. […] Are you going to warn us about Aunt Jane […]


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