Thel has had a rough week. She can barely drag herself into bed. She dozes off quickly and fitfully while her husband Dan snores.
(Dream sequence begins): Thel is in a chili dog eating contest with Rush Limbaugh, Rick Warren, and Pat Buchanon. They all ravenously shove their chili dog prey into their mouths, chew them briefly, and gulp the poorly masticated food down. Thel does her best to win, but she knows she will be bested as the finishing buzzer goes off.
Announcer: And, the winner and returning champion is… Rush Limbaugh!
(applause and a brass band playing)
Thel: (burping) Wow, you won again, Rush. You really are an amazing man.
Rush Limbaugh (dream version): Of course I am. Only pinko liberals would argue with that.
Thel: I admire you so much, I named my first born after you.
Rush Limbaugh (dream version): Everyone should do that… My, you certainly are looking fetching today.
Thel and Rush are drawn to each other magnetically (perhaps gravitationally). Their bellies rub together rhythmically. Finally, they bend their heads as far forward as they can, allowing their chili stained lips to meet in a passionate kiss.
Rush Limbaugh (dream version): I love you Thelma. You are the woman of my biggest dreams.
Thel: I love you Rush, you hunk of man, you.
Rush Limbaugh (dream version): (gets down on one knee and whips out a ring) Marry me, Thelma. I can’t go a day longer without you in my life.
Suddenly, a flock of frogs with wings captures Rush and slowly manages to get him airborne. They whistle to call in reinforcements and finally fly Rush away. As he is slowly flown away by hundreds of heavily breathing, winged frogs, Rush looks longingly at Thel.
Rush Limbaugh (dream version): My dearest Thelma, I hate these liberal, terrorist frogs. I will never forget your immense beauty. I love women with meat on their bones.
Thel collapses in an a huge heap on the floor, bawling. Once the frogs reach the edge of a cliff, they drop Rush. (Dream sequence ends.)
Dan is awakened by Thel’s loud sobbing. Thel awakes almost drowning in tears.
Dan: Thel? Are you OK? Are you still crying because your sister says she’s a lesbianna?
Thel: Yes, it’s such a tragedy. Go to sleep honey, I’ll pray for the Lord’s Help.
Dan: Sweet dreams.