Thelma Dullard is in the kitchen, enjoying her beloved pork rinds along with cheese puffs and diet soda. She is watching a Christian program where the talking head is bemoaning people in a far off country who will burn in hell because they haven’t found Christ. Dan Dullard enters the room and puts down his laptop. He opens it which prominently displays a sticker saying, “Property of EnormCo.”
Dan: Thel, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been laid off.
Thelma: (turns the tv off and burps)
Dan: Is that all you can do?
Thelma: Sorry, dear. I’m in shock. (burps again) The Lord is testing us. Why did they lay you off? You have worked there 24 years.
Dan: They singled me out for my Christian beliefs.
Thelma: They will roast in hell. (pauses and tries to think) Does this mean we won’t get any more toilet paper from the company storeroom?
Dan: I’m afraid it does. How will I tell the children? It’s so unfair.
In a titanic struggle, Thelma gets up from her chair. She opens the refrigerator and stuffs 2 ice cream treats into her mouth, trying to ease the pain. Dan starts to surf the web for sites advertising mail order brides.
Rick Patrick Dullard slowly ambles into the kitchen. He is rather immature for an 11 year old. His obese belly hangs out a bit from his untucked shirt. Charity and Rush follow behind. Rick sees his parents are upset.
Rick: I didn’t do it.
Thelma: (chomps on a pork rind) Honey, we aren’t upset with you.
Rush: What did you want to talk to us about?
Charity: Are you going to warn us about Aunt Jane again?
Thelma: You should stay away from that sinner, but we have to talk to you about something else now. The good Lord has put a challenge before our Christian family to test our faith.
Dan: Yes, I have been laid off. I will have to find a new job.
Rick: Does that mean we will have to buy school supplies at the store, like other families?
Thel: (gestures with a hand with cheese stains) Yes, Ricky. It does. We will have to struggle to get by. (bows her head to make a short prayer and then spills her diet soda)
The phone rings, and Dan picks it up.
Dan: No, I don’t know where the laptop went…..I don’t know a thing about the boxes of copy paper……I didn’t even know that the company bought the higher ups tickets to the game…I resent these questions. I’m a good Christian! (hangs up)
Charity: Daddy, are you a thief? Are you going to roast in hell like Mom says all bad people will?
Thelma: How dare you? Go upstairs and pray so that won’t roast in hell, young lady!
Charity runs upstairs crying.
Charity: Oh my God. Daddy’s going to jail. Mom will have to sell me to the abeeists or the homerspecials!
Rush: (walks upstairs, muttering to himself) Only three months till I’m 18. Only three months till I’m 18.
Thelma drags herself off the chair, goes to get a paper towel from a stack Dan had pilfered from the EnormCo restroom, and cleans the spilled soda, breathing heavily.