Episode 8: Dan Gets in Trouble with His Pastor

Scene 1:

Dan Dullard is sitting in the Dullards’ living room watching football instead of job hunting after his company laid him off. Thelma Dullard is vacuuming the furniture, while looking for change under the cushions. The doorbell rings, and Thelma answers it.

Rev. E.Z Cash of the Boring Corners Ultrachurch comes into view as Thelma opens the door. He is wearing an Armani suit, Prada shoes, and a watch so expensive that it screams “steal me.”

Thelma: (beaming) Good evening reverend. Please come in. Won’t you have a seat?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Thanks ma’am. I need to speak to your husband alone.

Thelma: (worried) Sure…I’ll go clean. (drags her lumbering form up the stairs)

Rev. E.Z. Cash: (concerned) We all know the economy is bad because a Kenyan, socialist, atheist, Muslim is in the White House. We understand that cash is short. But, you have to be a good Christian breadwinner and get a job.

Dan: (ashamed) I’m trying, but no one has called back yet.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: That may be, but we can’t keep you in our congregation forever if you aren’t tithing.

Dan: Aren’t Christians supposed to help the poor and unfortunate?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: That’s a bunch of liberal, communist, atheist, PC bull. God showers his abundance on good Christians. If you don’t have a job, you aren’t a good enough Christian.

Dan: I’m so sorry…

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Otherwise, you will have to attend the Merely Megachurch down the road.

Dan: (horrified) I’ll do my best. Will you pray for me?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Of course! I’ve got to get going.

Cash lets himself out while Dan sits in stunned silence for a moment. Then, Dan gets up, turns on his laptop, and actually looks at job search sites.

Scene 2:

Rush Dullard is walking up to the front porch of the Dullard residence as Rev. E.Z. Cash is leaving.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Hello, young man. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.

Rush: (suspiciously) About what, Pastor?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: You should get a job. You are almost 18, and you should be tithing already.

Rush: Yeah, you gotta pay for those expensive…uh…missionary programs.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Our church does important work among those people in Africa.

Rush: (trying to hide his disgust at the patronizing and racist comment) Gotta go study. Bye.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Think about what I said. (walks towards his brand new luxury SUV which gets under 10 mpg)

Rush checks to see if Rev. E.Z. Cash is looking back. Once he’s sure that isn’t the case, he gives the Rev. the finger.

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One response to this post.

  1. I wandered over her from “Godless, Liberal, Homo” blog. Your story about the Dullards may seem like an exaggeration to some, but I lived in a home not so different from that. It took me to about age 12 to realize most of it was hogwash and another 6 or 7 years to realize I didn’t believe at all. Our minister was not quite so greedy and I actually heard my mother defend gays when she was in her seventies (although I bet she wouldn’t do it around her church friends) but my father was a Bible-thumper and approached everything from a Biblical point of view. The first time I told someone I was an atheist was 45 years ago —and I’ve never looked back.

    Reply

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