Episode 9: What Turns You On?

Scene 1:

Jane Thomas sees her sister Thelma Dullard at the Boring Corners Mall and intercepts her at the hot dog stand.

Jane: Thel!

Thelma: I don’t want you talking to me until you stop eating kittens.

Jane: (offended) Lesbians don’t eat kittens. We don’t eat dogs, parrots, or any other kind of pets either. Where do you come up with this crap? (realizes what Thelma meant and starts to laugh) Oh, I get what you are trying to say. Thel, you really need to get out more.

Thelma: You need to accept Christ and stop being a lesbianese!

Jane: It’s lesbian! (heavy sigh) Anyway, I’m here to help you now that Dan got laid off.

Thelma: It’s so terrible how they singled him out because of his Christian beliefs.

Jane: That’s odd. I heard Enormco laid him off because he stole so much stuff from them.
Anyway, I’m here to help. A friend of mine is looking for plus size models for a photo shoot.

Thelma: I’m a good Christian woman! I won’t expose myself this way.

Jane: (laughs) They are modeling winter coats. You won’t have to show any skin that isn’t on your face. Here, take her card and at least think about it.

Thelma takes the card and storms off in a slow huff.

Scene 2:

Rush Dullard and Sean Coulter are walking home from school.

Rush: I was wondering something about you telling me you’re gay.

Sean: I’m so glad I got that over with. It’s such a relief.

Rush: (nervous) Were you telling me because you’re into me? (hesitates) I’m not gay, but you’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you cause I’m not into you that way.

Sean: Relax, you’re not my type…not even close.

Rush: What is your type?

Sean: I’m totally into Daddy Bears.

Rush: (eyes open really wide) What the fuck? You’re into animals?

Sean: (laughing uncontrollably) Dude…I’m not…into animals. (laughs some more) Daddy Bears is gayspeak.

Rush: (confused but relieved) What for?

Sean: Daddies are guys old enough to be your father, and bears are big hairy guys, fat, muscular, or both.

Rush: Wow. You guys live in a different world. Anyway…Dude, now I wonder. Is my Mom a bear?

Sean: Nah, you have to be a guy to be a bear, besides it’s not like she’s hairy.

Rush: Well…

Sean: Ewwwwww! Anyway, the main thing is that I’m not lusting after you. You can relax. OK?

Rush: Cool.

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