Dan Dullard is watching fundamentalist Christian TV and drooling. He is so wrapped up in what he’s watching that the remote drops onto the floor from his fingers. The show is starring Chrystal Peters, a former porn star who saw an image of Jesus in body makeup she spilled in her bathroom sink.
Chrystal: (breathy on TV) I know that times are…hard. But, if you possibly can, please find it in your heart to give to this ministry.
Dan: I wish I could. I really, really do.
The phone rings. Dan stumbles on the remote as he walks to answer.
Dan: (on phone) Hello? … Hi Assistant Pastor David….No, I’m sorry, I don’t have a job yet. I can’t give any money to the church…Please don’t kick my family out…I’ll keep looking for a job….Thanks, bye. (hangs up)
Thelma Dullard struggles her way into the room with a series of dull thuds.
Thelma: Dan, I hear thunder. Please turn the channel over to the weather, dear.
Dan: (groans) All right. This is tornado season. (whispers) Bye for now, Chrystal.
TV: There is a severe thunderstorm warning for Robertson County as a multicell thunderstorm is headed directly towards Boring Corners. There is a chance of dime size hail, and expect strong winds.
Thelma: Darn! I wanted to go grocery shopping.
TV: In other news, the Boring Corners Bank and Trust is the latest victim in a series of robberies by a weird suspect wearing a devil’s mask.
Thelma: He will roast in hell!
Dan looks like a light bulb just went off in his head.
In the courtyard in front of Boring Corners High, Sean Coulter is walking over to his friend Patty Palin. Patty is a studious girl who is better at math than her teachers. He gets there with a big smile on his face.
Patty: How did it go with Rush?
Sean: He was totally cool with me coming out. He’s known about me since we were kids. I wish he would have told me. (laughs)
Patty: (stunned) Is this Rush you’re talking about? He always seemed a bit slow. No offense.
Sean: (flashes a naughty smile) He’s a smart guy. But…..
Sean: He’d kill me if I told him.
Patty: Don’t worry. I won’t tell him.
Sean: OK, he only acts dumb around you.
Patty: Why would he act dumb around me?
Sean: It’s not on purpose….His IQ goes down about 60 points when he’s around a girl he’s got a crush on.
Patty: (eyeballs almost pop out) He has a crush on me? Come on. No straight boy in this high school has a crush on me.
Sean: He has a thing for smart girls. If you knew his mother, you’d know why.
Patty: His mother’s smart?
Sean: Nope, she’s dumb as a post.
Patty: (mad) You can’t say that.
Patty: (eyes rolling) It’s a burqa, not a “burpa.”
Sean: (smirking) You know that, I know that, Rush knows that…but Rush’s Mom…..
Patty: Wow, she is dumb. Wait, this whole thing is a joke. He isn’t into me.
Sean: Yeah, he is. Sometimes, he gets like a deer in the headlights when he sees you in the library.
Patty: I don’t know what to say.
Sean: Rush is so going to kill me.