Episode 5: Daddy Gets Laid Off

Scene 1

Thelma Dullard is in the kitchen, enjoying her beloved pork rinds along with cheese puffs and diet soda. She is watching a Christian program where the talking head is bemoaning people in a far off country who will burn in hell because they haven’t found Christ. Dan Dullard enters the room and puts down his laptop. He opens it which prominently displays a sticker saying, “Property of EnormCo.”

Dan: Thel, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been laid off.

Thelma: (turns the tv off and burps)

Dan: Is that all you can do?

Thelma: Sorry, dear. I’m in shock. (burps again) The Lord is testing us. Why did they lay you off? You have worked there 24 years.

Dan: They singled me out for my Christian beliefs.

Thelma: They will roast in hell. (pauses and tries to think) Does this mean we won’t get any more toilet paper from the company storeroom?

Dan: I’m afraid it does. How will I tell the children? It’s so unfair.

In a titanic struggle, Thelma gets up from her chair. She opens the refrigerator and stuffs 2 ice cream treats into her mouth, trying to ease the pain. Dan starts to surf the web for sites advertising mail order brides.

Scene 2

Rick Patrick Dullard slowly ambles into the kitchen. He is rather immature for an 11 year old. His obese belly hangs out a bit from his untucked shirt. Charity and Rush follow behind. Rick sees his parents are upset.

Rick: I didn’t do it.

Thelma: (chomps on a pork rind) Honey, we aren’t upset with you.

Rush: What did you want to talk to us about?

Charity: Are you going to warn us about Aunt Jane again?

Thelma: You should stay away from that sinner, but we have to talk to you about something else now. The good Lord has put a challenge before our Christian family to test our faith.

Dan: Yes, I have been laid off. I will have to find a new job.

Rick: Does that mean we will have to buy school supplies at the store, like other families?

Thel: (gestures with a hand with cheese stains) Yes, Ricky. It does. We will have to struggle to get by. (bows her head to make a short prayer and then spills her diet soda)

The phone rings, and Dan picks it up.

Dan: No, I don’t know where the laptop went…..I don’t know a thing about the boxes of copy paper……I didn’t even know that the company bought the higher ups tickets to the game…I resent these questions. I’m a good Christian! (hangs up)

Charity: Daddy, are you a thief? Are you going to roast in hell like Mom says all bad people will?

Thelma: How dare you? Go upstairs and pray so that won’t roast in hell, young lady!

Charity runs upstairs crying.

Charity: Oh my God. Daddy’s going to jail. Mom will have to sell me to the abeeists or the homerspecials!

Rush: (walks upstairs, muttering to himself) Only three months till I’m 18. Only three months till I’m 18.

Thelma drags herself off the chair, goes to get a paper towel from a stack Dan had pilfered from the EnormCo restroom, and cleans the spilled soda, breathing heavily.

Episode 4: Those Evil Internets

Scene 1:

Rush Dullard is a rather awkward teenager, due to a lifetime of being embarrassed by his parents.  He is enjoying that filthy heathen blog, Godless Liberal Homo.  While Rush enjoys the insightful analysis, his main reason for reading the blog is the thrill in knowing his parents would shit if they knew.  Rush hears slow, heavy footsteps down the hallway towards his bedroom and closes the Devil’s own browser window.

Thel: (enters room breathing heavily) Rush, I need to warn you about something on the Internets.  There is an Internet called Bible Fight.  It is a sinful game that mocks our faith.  I don’t ever want you to play that game.  Do you understand?

Rush: Yes, Mom.  I won’t ever go to that Internet.  (His eyes are laughing, but not his mouth.)

Thel: That’s good.  Now, get off of the computer and study the Bible.

Rush: Sure, Mom.

Scene 2:

Rush dials his cell phone. On the other end, the last known Goth in town, Sean Coulter, answers.

Sean: Sup.

Rush: Sup.  I heard about the coolest web game.

Sean: What is it?

Rush:Bible Fight.  My Mom just warned me about it, so you know it’s got to be good.

Sean: Awwwwwwsome!  I’ll Google it.

Rush: This is the coolest week.  I found out my aunt is gay.  Mom is so pissed she’s wearing a black armband and she is up to three bags of pork rinds a day.

Sean: (laughing his ass off) Wow, up from two to three?

Rush: Yeah dude. And, she gave money to someone who said that he could change gays by giving them barbequed rabbit.

Sean: (laughing again) Damn, you’re Mom is such a freakin genius.  Are you sure you aren’t adopted?

Rush: I wish.  You know what else I wish?

Sean: That you already were 18,  and you could move out and change your name?

Rush: Other than that.  I wish I could be gay for just one day.  I would love to see my parents go batshit crazy.

Sean: Yeah, and I could pretend to marry you.  I got the clothes.

Rush: A haunted gay marriage.  That rocks!

Sean: Dude, I gotta go play the game.  I’ll let you know if Jesus is one nasty shitkicker.

Rush: Let me know.  Later.

Episode 3: Thel’s Erotic Dream

Scene1:

Thel has had a rough week.  She can barely drag herself into bed.  She dozes off quickly and fitfully while her husband Dan snores.

(Dream sequence begins): Thel is in a chili dog eating contest with Rush Limbaugh, Rick Warren, and Pat Buchanon.  They all ravenously shove their chili dog prey into their mouths, chew them briefly, and gulp the poorly masticated food down. Thel does her best to win, but she knows she will be bested as the finishing buzzer goes off.

Announcer: And, the winner and returning champion is… Rush Limbaugh!

(applause and a brass band playing)

Thel: (burping) Wow, you won again, Rush.  You really are an amazing man.

Rush Limbaugh  (dream version): Of course I am.  Only pinko liberals would argue with that.

Thel: I admire you so much, I named my first born after you.

Rush Limbaugh  (dream version): Everyone should do that… My, you certainly are looking fetching today.

Thel and Rush are drawn to each other magnetically (perhaps gravitationally).  Their bellies rub together rhythmically.  Finally, they bend their heads as far forward as they can, allowing their chili stained lips to meet in a passionate kiss.

Rush Limbaugh  (dream version): I love you Thelma.  You are the woman of my biggest dreams.

Thel: I love you Rush, you hunk of man, you.

Rush Limbaugh  (dream version): (gets down on one knee and whips out a ring) Marry me, Thelma.  I can’t go a day longer without you in my life.

Suddenly, a flock of frogs with wings captures Rush and slowly manages to get him airborne.  They whistle to call in reinforcements and finally fly Rush away.  As he  is slowly flown away by hundreds of heavily breathing, winged  frogs, Rush looks longingly at Thel.

Rush Limbaugh  (dream version): My dearest Thelma, I hate these liberal, terrorist frogs.  I will never forget your immense beauty.  I love women with meat on their bones.

Thel collapses in an a huge heap on the floor, bawling.  Once the frogs reach the edge of a cliff, they drop Rush.  (Dream sequence ends.)

Dan is awakened by Thel’s loud sobbing. Thel awakes almost drowning in tears.

Dan: Thel? Are you OK?  Are you still crying because your sister says she’s a lesbianna?

Thel: Yes, it’s such a tragedy.  Go to sleep honey, I’ll pray for the Lord’s Help.

Dan: Sweet dreams.

Episode 2: Lesbian Aunt

Scene I:

Thel Dullard is watching Christian television and eating more of her famous pork rinds. She feels uplifted by the threats of damnation emanating from her tv screen.  She hears a knock on the door and struggles to drag her immense body over to answer it.  It’s her sister, Jane Thomas.

Thel: What a surprise….didn’t I tell you I was busy this week.

Jane: Yes, that incredibly exhausting tv schedule must be wiping you out.  Can I come in?  I really need to talk to you about something.

Thel: All right, already.  Come in.  Obviously, you don’t mind interrupting  the word of Christ.

Jane: (sighs) Thanks, Thel.

They sit in the tv room while Thel looks perturbed.

Thel: Just a minute…

Jane: I have something to tell you.  I’ve waited years, but I can’t keep it a secret anymore.

Thel: (Waves her off) Just a minute…wait till a commercial.

Jane: It can’t wait!  Dammit, listen to me.

Thel: Shhhhhh…

Jane: I’m a lesbian.

Thel: You’ll say anything for attention.  Now, be quiet.  (Thel leans over to listen to the condemnation of abortion providers.)

Jane: This is no joke.  I’m in love with a woman, and she’s moving in with me.

Thel: How dare you talk that kind of filth in my house!!

Jane: It’s not just talk.  It’s for real.

Thel: You really are going to roast in Hell!  Get out of my house!

Jane: Some sister you are. (walks out and slams the door)

Thelma takes a big bunch of pork rinds and stuffs them into her mouth.

Scene II:

Charity Dullard struggles to unlock the door, but gets there, doing well for a 6 year old coping with a poorly maintained lock.  She maintains a sunny disposition despite her parents. She runs into the tv room to greet Thel.

Charity: Mommy, mommy! Wanna hear my good news?

Thel: Sure honey, I could use some good news.

Charity: Aunt Jane is a lesbian!  Isn’t that cool?

Thel: (Gasps and looks like she will have a coronary or a stroke.) Don’t you ever say that again!

Charity: Why not mommy?  Boys are gross.  I want to be a lesbian like Aunt Jane when I grow up.

Thel points upstairs and looks like she wants to go on a murder spree.

Thel: Get upstairs young lady.  I don’t ever want you to say that you want to be a lesbian again.  Don’t come down until dinner.

Charity: (confused) Yes, mommy.

Charity runs upstairs, bewildered.  Once she is out of site of her mother, she motions her finger around in circles, the universal crazy person symbol.

Scene III:

Dan Dullard arrives home from work.

Dan: Honey, I’m home.

Thel: Daniel, I have to talk to you.

Dan: It will have to wait.  Get me a beer.

Thel: It can not wait.  The Lord would not allow it.  My sister has gone to far.  She is telling people that she is a lesbian.  Our daughter is too young to understand, but that didn’t stop her from saying that she wants to be a lesbian when she grows up.

Dan: Your sister really is doing the work of Satan.   Sometimes I wonder how you two can even be related.  I will not have my innocent daughter saying she is a lesbianna.  Your sister is banned from this house.

Thel: What will our pastor say?  Will he banish us?  I don’t want to have to go to another church where they make you stand up to pray and sing.

Dan opens a laptop computer and starts typing.  On the back, you can see a label that says “Property of Acme Industries, Inc.”

Dan: There! I’ve emailed that horrible Jane and told her as long as she is obsessed with cunnilipulous, she cannot set foot in our good Christian home.  Now, get me a beer, Thel!

Thel: I’m glad to be your ever so humble wife.  (Thel struggles towards the kitchen.)


When Thelma is out of the room, Dan starts thumbing through a catalog for mail order brides.

Episode 1: Adventures in Grocery Shopping

Scene I

Thelma Dullard is out grocery shopping.  She grabs a couple of grapes off a bunch in the produce section and nibbles on them.   She spots Madhulika in the store.  With a sudden fury, Thelma stomps over to Madhulika, fists clenched.

Thelma: How dare you wear a burpa in this country!  You damned Muzzie!

Madhulika: (laughing) This is a sari, not a burqa. I am Hindu.

Thelma: You bet you’ll be sorry when you are roasting in Hell, Muslim!

Madhulika: Surely you know the difference between a Hindu and a Muslim…

Thelma: You Hindu Muslims all a bunch of sinners and terrorists.

Madhulika: Hindus aren’t Muslims. Many of the Muslims hate us.

Thelma: Jesus isn’t happy with you…

Madhulika: Do you read newspapers?

Thelma: I get all of my information from Christian radio, not the evil liberal media.

Madhulika: Do you know anything about the rest of the world?

Thelma: I know where you are going if you don’t repent, Muslim.  Turn or burn, jezzabelle!

Madhulika: (pissed off by now) How dare you!!! I’m a happily married woman!  How could you be so stupid? Did you even finish primary school?  Were you sleeping in class?

Thelma: I was not sleeping in class.  I was reading the Bible.  And, you’re not as smart as you think you are.  You aren’t smart enough to accept Jesus Christ as you one true savior.

Madhulika walks away, shaking her head.

Thelma’s 240 pound mass of a body is shaking with fear and loathing.  Her face is bright red. She has half a mind to complain to the store manager, but then she is distracted by a sale on pork rinds.

Scene II

Thelma’s cell phone rings while she waits in line to check out. It’s her sister Jane Thomas.  Thelma grunts and answers.

Thelma: I am so upset with you.  How dare you try to give my precious daughter one of the satanic Harry Porter books!

Jane: Satanic?  You’re not still going off on that are you?

Thelma ignores the woman in back of her in line who is giggling uncontrollably.

Thelma: Don’t make fun of me with your fancy college values.  Your professors brainwashed you into Satan’s way.

Jane: Sometimes I wonder why I bother… Anyway, there’s something I need to talk to you about.

Thelma: It will have to wait until next week.  I am a very busy woman.  I have four kids. When are you going to get married to a good Christian man and start having lots of kids?

Jane: All right, already.  I’ll call you next week. Bye.

Thelma: Jesus died for you.

Thelma hangs up.