Posts Tagged ‘Charity Dullard’

Episode 12: Danger! Dullards Approach the Workplace

Scene 1:

A nervous Rush Dullard walks into Boring Corners Puters. The store owner, Noah Chopper, is waiting for him. Rush almost stumbles into a display.

Noah: Hey, you’re Sean’s friend Rush, right?

Rush: Yes sir.

Noah: (laughs) You don’t have to call me sir, Dude, I have an opening you might be just right for. Sean says you play a lot of computer games.

Rush: (worried) I promise I’ll never play video games at work. I’ll work really hard.

Noah: Chill. The opening is in video and computer game sales.

Rush: Awesome. (gets a big, toothy grin)

Noah: Cool, what’s your favorite game?

Rush: (very eager) Bible Fight rocks! So does any game where the lions kill the Christians…. (pauses and looks terrified after realizing what he has just said)

Noah: Sean showed me that game! It’s wicked! You’re hired!

Scene 2:

Thelma Dullard is staring at the business card that her sister Jane Thomas gave her. Being a plus size model sounds so sinful, but Thelma feels really deprived at having to cut back on her pork rinds, ice cream desserts, and diet soda. Thelma offers a silent prayer to her maker and walks slowly towards the phone, with the floor quaking beneath her.

Thelma: (into the phone) Can I please speak to Spike Bachman?

Spike Backmann, a butch dyke with extremely fashionable clothes is on the other end.

Spike: Speaking, babe. (unzips her $12,000 leather jacket)

Thelma: (flustered) Hello, uhh…my name is Thelma Dullard, my sister Jane Thomas says you have work as a plu, plu, Pluto sized model…I mean a plus sized model.

Spike: Yeah, I know Jane. She’s says you’re pretty big. Can you stand still and look happy for a couple of hours?

Thelma: I sure can. I’ll think of the pork rinds I can buy.

Spike: (gets a WTF look on her face) Great, babe. Show up at 3467 Genesis Corners, Suite 664 at Noon tomorrow. We’ll make you into a big fashion star!

Thelma: Thanks so much.

After she gets off the phone, Thelma gets down on her knees, sobbing.

Thelma: I am so sorry Lord. Please don’t make me roast in Hell.

Thelma slowly struggles back to her feet, regretting having knelt down.

Scene 3:

The next day, Thelma gets ready for her work assignment. She has the kids gathered in front of her. Rush, Rick Patrick, and Charity Dullard look on at their terrified mother.

Thelma: Mommy is going to have to go to work today. I know this isn’t what the Lord would ordinarily want, but with your father being laid off, I have to help take care of this family.

Rick Patrick: What are you going to do, Mommy?

Thelma: (almost in tears) You must never ask me that, young man.

Charity: Can I stay at Aunt Jane’s?

Thelma: Young lady, you will not go to her house until she stops being a lesterbian! You will stay at home and watch Christian TV like a good young lady!

Charity: (depressed) Yes, mommy.

Thelma: And, Rush, don’t you let that Satanic Sean Coulter into our house while I’m gone!

Thelma lumbers out like she is facing an execution. Rush then walks to the phone and starts pressing the buttons.

Rush: Hey Sean! Come over dude. Thel’s gone. You wouldn’t believe what she is doing.

Charity: (looks at Rush with anticipation) I guess we both are going to Hell. I’ll go play with my dolls while I’m waiting. (runs upstairs with a smile on her face)

Rick Patrick: Should we explain to her what Hell means?

Rush: Why ruin her childhood so soon? She’ll have years to suffer later with Mom and Dad.

Rick Patrick goes over, and turns on the TV to watch an episode of Chrystal Peters’ show. He stares in lustful awe.

Chrystal: (breathing heavily) Are you a big, strong, Christian man? Do you want to be saved…just…like…me…..

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Episode 5: Daddy Gets Laid Off

Scene 1

Thelma Dullard is in the kitchen, enjoying her beloved pork rinds along with cheese puffs and diet soda. She is watching a Christian program where the talking head is bemoaning people in a far off country who will burn in hell because they haven’t found Christ. Dan Dullard enters the room and puts down his laptop. He opens it which prominently displays a sticker saying, “Property of EnormCo.”

Dan: Thel, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been laid off.

Thelma: (turns the tv off and burps)

Dan: Is that all you can do?

Thelma: Sorry, dear. I’m in shock. (burps again) The Lord is testing us. Why did they lay you off? You have worked there 24 years.

Dan: They singled me out for my Christian beliefs.

Thelma: They will roast in hell. (pauses and tries to think) Does this mean we won’t get any more toilet paper from the company storeroom?

Dan: I’m afraid it does. How will I tell the children? It’s so unfair.

In a titanic struggle, Thelma gets up from her chair. She opens the refrigerator and stuffs 2 ice cream treats into her mouth, trying to ease the pain. Dan starts to surf the web for sites advertising mail order brides.

Scene 2

Rick Patrick Dullard slowly ambles into the kitchen. He is rather immature for an 11 year old. His obese belly hangs out a bit from his untucked shirt. Charity and Rush follow behind. Rick sees his parents are upset.

Rick: I didn’t do it.

Thelma: (chomps on a pork rind) Honey, we aren’t upset with you.

Rush: What did you want to talk to us about?

Charity: Are you going to warn us about Aunt Jane again?

Thelma: You should stay away from that sinner, but we have to talk to you about something else now. The good Lord has put a challenge before our Christian family to test our faith.

Dan: Yes, I have been laid off. I will have to find a new job.

Rick: Does that mean we will have to buy school supplies at the store, like other families?

Thel: (gestures with a hand with cheese stains) Yes, Ricky. It does. We will have to struggle to get by. (bows her head to make a short prayer and then spills her diet soda)

The phone rings, and Dan picks it up.

Dan: No, I don’t know where the laptop went…..I don’t know a thing about the boxes of copy paper……I didn’t even know that the company bought the higher ups tickets to the game…I resent these questions. I’m a good Christian! (hangs up)

Charity: Daddy, are you a thief? Are you going to roast in hell like Mom says all bad people will?

Thelma: How dare you? Go upstairs and pray so that won’t roast in hell, young lady!

Charity runs upstairs crying.

Charity: Oh my God. Daddy’s going to jail. Mom will have to sell me to the abeeists or the homerspecials!

Rush: (walks upstairs, muttering to himself) Only three months till I’m 18. Only three months till I’m 18.

Thelma drags herself off the chair, goes to get a paper towel from a stack Dan had pilfered from the EnormCo restroom, and cleans the spilled soda, breathing heavily.

Episode 2: Lesbian Aunt

Scene I:

Thel Dullard is watching Christian television and eating more of her famous pork rinds. She feels uplifted by the threats of damnation emanating from her tv screen.  She hears a knock on the door and struggles to drag her immense body over to answer it.  It’s her sister, Jane Thomas.

Thel: What a surprise….didn’t I tell you I was busy this week.

Jane: Yes, that incredibly exhausting tv schedule must be wiping you out.  Can I come in?  I really need to talk to you about something.

Thel: All right, already.  Come in.  Obviously, you don’t mind interrupting  the word of Christ.

Jane: (sighs) Thanks, Thel.

They sit in the tv room while Thel looks perturbed.

Thel: Just a minute…

Jane: I have something to tell you.  I’ve waited years, but I can’t keep it a secret anymore.

Thel: (Waves her off) Just a minute…wait till a commercial.

Jane: It can’t wait!  Dammit, listen to me.

Thel: Shhhhhh…

Jane: I’m a lesbian.

Thel: You’ll say anything for attention.  Now, be quiet.  (Thel leans over to listen to the condemnation of abortion providers.)

Jane: This is no joke.  I’m in love with a woman, and she’s moving in with me.

Thel: How dare you talk that kind of filth in my house!!

Jane: It’s not just talk.  It’s for real.

Thel: You really are going to roast in Hell!  Get out of my house!

Jane: Some sister you are. (walks out and slams the door)

Thelma takes a big bunch of pork rinds and stuffs them into her mouth.

Scene II:

Charity Dullard struggles to unlock the door, but gets there, doing well for a 6 year old coping with a poorly maintained lock.  She maintains a sunny disposition despite her parents. She runs into the tv room to greet Thel.

Charity: Mommy, mommy! Wanna hear my good news?

Thel: Sure honey, I could use some good news.

Charity: Aunt Jane is a lesbian!  Isn’t that cool?

Thel: (Gasps and looks like she will have a coronary or a stroke.) Don’t you ever say that again!

Charity: Why not mommy?  Boys are gross.  I want to be a lesbian like Aunt Jane when I grow up.

Thel points upstairs and looks like she wants to go on a murder spree.

Thel: Get upstairs young lady.  I don’t ever want you to say that you want to be a lesbian again.  Don’t come down until dinner.

Charity: (confused) Yes, mommy.

Charity runs upstairs, bewildered.  Once she is out of site of her mother, she motions her finger around in circles, the universal crazy person symbol.

Scene III:

Dan Dullard arrives home from work.

Dan: Honey, I’m home.

Thel: Daniel, I have to talk to you.

Dan: It will have to wait.  Get me a beer.

Thel: It can not wait.  The Lord would not allow it.  My sister has gone to far.  She is telling people that she is a lesbian.  Our daughter is too young to understand, but that didn’t stop her from saying that she wants to be a lesbian when she grows up.

Dan: Your sister really is doing the work of Satan.   Sometimes I wonder how you two can even be related.  I will not have my innocent daughter saying she is a lesbianna.  Your sister is banned from this house.

Thel: What will our pastor say?  Will he banish us?  I don’t want to have to go to another church where they make you stand up to pray and sing.

Dan opens a laptop computer and starts typing.  On the back, you can see a label that says “Property of Acme Industries, Inc.”

Dan: There! I’ve emailed that horrible Jane and told her as long as she is obsessed with cunnilipulous, she cannot set foot in our good Christian home.  Now, get me a beer, Thel!

Thel: I’m glad to be your ever so humble wife.  (Thel struggles towards the kitchen.)


When Thelma is out of the room, Dan starts thumbing through a catalog for mail order brides.