Posts Tagged ‘Dan Dullard’

Episode 11: Time for Church

Scene 1:

People with SUVs and other gas guzzlers are driving into the parking lot of the Boring Corners Ultrachurch. Sean Coulter’s parents are admiring somebody’s minivan while Sean Coulter is confronted by Assistant Pastor David. David is a hairy man with big shoulders and a fairly big belly. David stares at Sean with fury.

Asst. Pastor David: How dare you dress the way you do! Your long hair and mascara are so sinful!

Sean: (laughs): Chill dude.

Asst. Pastor David: Is that all you have to say?

Sean: It’s not like I even want to be here. The parental units are forcing me to show.

Asst. Pastor David: That is the wrong kind of attitude.

Sean: Dude, I’m a lost soul. Stop obsessing on saving me. (walks away)

Sean sees Rush Dullard in the crowd and walks over to him.

Rush: Hey, Gothman, protector of fun from the evil forces of Christianity.

Sean: Not so loud, dude. Our rents might hear, and we’re not 18 yet.

Rush: (laughs) Oops. How’s it going?

Sean: I talked to Patty Palin. (winks)

Rush: (silly schoolboy crush smile) How’s she doing?

Sean: She thinks you’re cool for accepting me as gay.

Rush: (beaming) She does? Wow.

Nelson Norris walks towards Sean and Rush.

Nelson: Young man. Don’t worry about what that guy says. God doesn’t care about how you dress or what your hair is like.

Sean: Ummmm…OK. Who are you?

Nelson: Nelson Norris. (They shake hands.) I just get tired of people judging people by hair and clothes.

Sean: That’s cool. This is my friend Rush. (more handshaking) Church is starting. I better go hang with the parental ATM machines.

Nelson: (smiles but not sexually) Nice meeting you, young man.

Sean goes over to his parents. His mom notices Nelson and flashes a look of terror on her face.

Scene 2:

Rev. E.Z. Cash is walking out of the church, tired from all his Bible thumping, and sees Dan Dullard with Thelma Dullard.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: How’s the job hunt going?

Dan: (nervous) Nothing yet.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Well, we have good news for you. We have a job opening up.

Dan: (excited) What is it?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: We need a new church janitor. The last one has gotten a higher paying job at CrudMart.

Dan: I applied for that job. (shrugs)

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Are you interested?

Dan: (not doing a great job of hiding his sadness and disgust) Sure, I need a job. Thank you so much, Reverend.

Thelma: (beaming) Thank you so much, Reverend Cash. You are such an inspiration to us all.

Rush walks towards his Dad.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Good man, and remember to tithe. Work hard on your new job.

Cash walks away.

Rush: You got a job, Dad?

Dan: (crestfallen) Yes, son.

Rush: What’s wrong?

Dan: I’m going to be the new Boring Corners Megachurch custodian.

Thelma: God respects all honest work. You are a good man, Dan.

Rush’s eyes are laughing, but he says nothing. He walks over to Sean, who is staring at his shoes waiting for his parents to stop gossiping with their friends.

Rush: (giggling) Guess what? Dad’s going to be the new church janitor.

Sean: Don’t laugh too hard. Your family will be living on that salary.

Rush: It’s too funny. I don’t care. Dude, are there any openings at Boring Corners Puters, where you work?

Sean: There is a part time thang, and you are qualified. Dude, I think you are going to get tired of me.

Rush: Awwww…I’ll never get tired of my best friend.

Sean: If you get any mushier, I won’t refer you for the job. (winks)

Rush: (sees something) That creepy Assistant Pastor David is walking this way. Let’s walk home.

Sean: I’m running. Last one at my house has to kiss him, or even worse, listen to him.

Rush: (laughs) No fair dude. You run faster than I do.

(They run off.)

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Episode 10: Dumb Man, Smart Girl

Scene 2

Dan Dullard is watching fundamentalist Christian TV and drooling. He is so wrapped up in what he’s watching that the remote drops onto the floor from his fingers. The show is starring Chrystal Peters, a former porn star who saw an image of Jesus in body makeup she spilled in her bathroom sink.

Chrystal: (breathy on TV) I know that times are…hard. But, if you possibly can, please find it in your heart to give to this ministry.

Dan: I wish I could. I really, really do.

The phone rings. Dan stumbles on the remote as he walks to answer.

Dan: (on phone) Hello? … Hi Assistant Pastor David….No, I’m sorry, I don’t have a job yet. I can’t give any money to the church…Please don’t kick my family out…I’ll keep looking for a job….Thanks, bye. (hangs up)

Thelma Dullard struggles her way into the room with a series of dull thuds.

Thelma: Dan, I hear thunder. Please turn the channel over to the weather, dear.

Dan: (groans) All right. This is tornado season. (whispers) Bye for now, Chrystal.

TV: There is a severe thunderstorm warning for Robertson County as a multicell thunderstorm is headed directly towards Boring Corners. There is a chance of dime size hail, and expect strong winds.

Thelma: Darn! I wanted to go grocery shopping.

TV: In other news, the Boring Corners Bank and Trust is the latest victim in a series of robberies by a weird suspect wearing a devil’s mask.

Thelma: He will roast in hell!

Dan looks like a light bulb just went off in his head.

Scene 2:

In the courtyard in front of Boring Corners High, Sean Coulter is walking over to his friend Patty Palin. Patty is a studious girl who is better at math than her teachers. He gets there with a big smile on his face.

Patty: How did it go with Rush?

Sean: He was totally cool with me coming out. He’s known about me since we were kids. I wish he would have told me. (laughs)

Patty: (stunned) Is this Rush you’re talking about? He always seemed a bit slow. No offense.

Sean: (flashes a naughty smile) He’s a smart guy. But…..

Patty: What?

Sean: He’d kill me if I told him.

Patty: Don’t worry. I won’t tell him.

Sean: OK, he only acts dumb around you.

Patty: Why would he act dumb around me?

Sean: It’s not on purpose….His IQ goes down about 60 points when he’s around a girl he’s got a crush on.

Patty: (eyeballs almost pop out) He has a crush on me? Come on. No straight boy in this high school has a crush on me.

Sean: He has a thing for smart girls. If you knew his mother, you’d know why.

Patty: His mother’s smart?

Sean: Nope, she’s dumb as a post.

Patty: (mad) You can’t say that.

Sean: One time, she chewed out an Indian woman with a Sari for wearing a “burpa.”

Patty: (eyes rolling) It’s a burqa, not a “burpa.”

Sean: (smirking) You know that, I know that, Rush knows that…but Rush’s Mom…..

Patty: Wow, she is dumb. Wait, this whole thing is a joke. He isn’t into me.

Sean: Yeah, he is. Sometimes, he gets like a deer in the headlights when he sees you in the library.

Patty: I don’t know what to say.

Sean: Rush is so going to kill me.

Episode 8: Dan Gets in Trouble with His Pastor

Scene 1:

Dan Dullard is sitting in the Dullards’ living room watching football instead of job hunting after his company laid him off. Thelma Dullard is vacuuming the furniture, while looking for change under the cushions. The doorbell rings, and Thelma answers it.

Rev. E.Z Cash of the Boring Corners Ultrachurch comes into view as Thelma opens the door. He is wearing an Armani suit, Prada shoes, and a watch so expensive that it screams “steal me.”

Thelma: (beaming) Good evening reverend. Please come in. Won’t you have a seat?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Thanks ma’am. I need to speak to your husband alone.

Thelma: (worried) Sure…I’ll go clean. (drags her lumbering form up the stairs)

Rev. E.Z. Cash: (concerned) We all know the economy is bad because a Kenyan, socialist, atheist, Muslim is in the White House. We understand that cash is short. But, you have to be a good Christian breadwinner and get a job.

Dan: (ashamed) I’m trying, but no one has called back yet.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: That may be, but we can’t keep you in our congregation forever if you aren’t tithing.

Dan: Aren’t Christians supposed to help the poor and unfortunate?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: That’s a bunch of liberal, communist, atheist, PC bull. God showers his abundance on good Christians. If you don’t have a job, you aren’t a good enough Christian.

Dan: I’m so sorry…

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Otherwise, you will have to attend the Merely Megachurch down the road.

Dan: (horrified) I’ll do my best. Will you pray for me?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Of course! I’ve got to get going.

Cash lets himself out while Dan sits in stunned silence for a moment. Then, Dan gets up, turns on his laptop, and actually looks at job search sites.

Scene 2:

Rush Dullard is walking up to the front porch of the Dullard residence as Rev. E.Z. Cash is leaving.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Hello, young man. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.

Rush: (suspiciously) About what, Pastor?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: You should get a job. You are almost 18, and you should be tithing already.

Rush: Yeah, you gotta pay for those expensive…uh…missionary programs.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Our church does important work among those people in Africa.

Rush: (trying to hide his disgust at the patronizing and racist comment) Gotta go study. Bye.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Think about what I said. (walks towards his brand new luxury SUV which gets under 10 mpg)

Rush checks to see if Rev. E.Z. Cash is looking back. Once he’s sure that isn’t the case, he gives the Rev. the finger.

Episode 6: Rotten Parents

Scene 1:

Dan Dullard is looking at mail order bride sites on the laptop he stole from work while pretending to look for a new job. Rick Patrick Dullard runs into the room with a baseball and bat, looking really eager.

Rick: Dad, will you show me how to hit a baseball better.

Dan: Be quiet boy! I’m busy!

Rick: But, the other kids say I throw like a girl…

Dan: You will burn in Hell if you keep disobeying your father. Keep quiet.

Rick runs back upstairs crying. Dan picks up the phone.

Dan: Hey Pal. You sent your boy to military school, right? Did it man him up?

Scene 2:

Later, Thelma Dullard is lying on the couch snoring, with a pork rind on her navel which is sticking out of an 3XL shirt that is too small for her. Her mind goes into another sexy dream about Rush Limbaugh. Thelma and the dream version of Rush are walking home from an ice cream parlor.

Thelma: Rush, you are such a man.

Rush Limbaugh, Dream Version: We’re almost at my place. I can’t wait to devour you.

Thelma: I can’t wait, you big hunk of man, you.

Rush Limbaugh, Dream Version: (opens the door and leads Thelma into the bedroom) Now, we can finally live our enormous, undying passion for each other.

Thelma: Oh Rush! (they kiss)

Rush Dullard runs downstairs into the living room. He sees Thelma lying on the couch, asleep and undulating.

Thelma: Rush, take me now! I’m yours.

Rush Dullard looks panicked.

Thelma: Let me be your dirty girl, Rush. I’ll do anything, anything.

Rush Dullard bolts back up the stairs

Scene 3:

Rush Dullard is playing a video game involving the lions killing the Christians with his little brother Rick.

Rick: I asked Dad to show me how to hit a baseball better, and he told me to shut up. I hate him.

Rush: Yeah, I hate Dad too, but it’s probably a good thing he didn’t.

Rick: Why? The kids at school keep making fun of me.

Rush: He can’t hit a baseball either. It would be like Mom giving out dieting advice. I’ll show you in a few minutes, but first, let’s kill us some more Christians.

Rick: Awesome!

Episode 5: Daddy Gets Laid Off

Scene 1

Thelma Dullard is in the kitchen, enjoying her beloved pork rinds along with cheese puffs and diet soda. She is watching a Christian program where the talking head is bemoaning people in a far off country who will burn in hell because they haven’t found Christ. Dan Dullard enters the room and puts down his laptop. He opens it which prominently displays a sticker saying, “Property of EnormCo.”

Dan: Thel, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been laid off.

Thelma: (turns the tv off and burps)

Dan: Is that all you can do?

Thelma: Sorry, dear. I’m in shock. (burps again) The Lord is testing us. Why did they lay you off? You have worked there 24 years.

Dan: They singled me out for my Christian beliefs.

Thelma: They will roast in hell. (pauses and tries to think) Does this mean we won’t get any more toilet paper from the company storeroom?

Dan: I’m afraid it does. How will I tell the children? It’s so unfair.

In a titanic struggle, Thelma gets up from her chair. She opens the refrigerator and stuffs 2 ice cream treats into her mouth, trying to ease the pain. Dan starts to surf the web for sites advertising mail order brides.

Scene 2

Rick Patrick Dullard slowly ambles into the kitchen. He is rather immature for an 11 year old. His obese belly hangs out a bit from his untucked shirt. Charity and Rush follow behind. Rick sees his parents are upset.

Rick: I didn’t do it.

Thelma: (chomps on a pork rind) Honey, we aren’t upset with you.

Rush: What did you want to talk to us about?

Charity: Are you going to warn us about Aunt Jane again?

Thelma: You should stay away from that sinner, but we have to talk to you about something else now. The good Lord has put a challenge before our Christian family to test our faith.

Dan: Yes, I have been laid off. I will have to find a new job.

Rick: Does that mean we will have to buy school supplies at the store, like other families?

Thel: (gestures with a hand with cheese stains) Yes, Ricky. It does. We will have to struggle to get by. (bows her head to make a short prayer and then spills her diet soda)

The phone rings, and Dan picks it up.

Dan: No, I don’t know where the laptop went…..I don’t know a thing about the boxes of copy paper……I didn’t even know that the company bought the higher ups tickets to the game…I resent these questions. I’m a good Christian! (hangs up)

Charity: Daddy, are you a thief? Are you going to roast in hell like Mom says all bad people will?

Thelma: How dare you? Go upstairs and pray so that won’t roast in hell, young lady!

Charity runs upstairs crying.

Charity: Oh my God. Daddy’s going to jail. Mom will have to sell me to the abeeists or the homerspecials!

Rush: (walks upstairs, muttering to himself) Only three months till I’m 18. Only three months till I’m 18.

Thelma drags herself off the chair, goes to get a paper towel from a stack Dan had pilfered from the EnormCo restroom, and cleans the spilled soda, breathing heavily.

Episode 3: Thel’s Erotic Dream

Scene1:

Thel has had a rough week.  She can barely drag herself into bed.  She dozes off quickly and fitfully while her husband Dan snores.

(Dream sequence begins): Thel is in a chili dog eating contest with Rush Limbaugh, Rick Warren, and Pat Buchanon.  They all ravenously shove their chili dog prey into their mouths, chew them briefly, and gulp the poorly masticated food down. Thel does her best to win, but she knows she will be bested as the finishing buzzer goes off.

Announcer: And, the winner and returning champion is… Rush Limbaugh!

(applause and a brass band playing)

Thel: (burping) Wow, you won again, Rush.  You really are an amazing man.

Rush Limbaugh  (dream version): Of course I am.  Only pinko liberals would argue with that.

Thel: I admire you so much, I named my first born after you.

Rush Limbaugh  (dream version): Everyone should do that… My, you certainly are looking fetching today.

Thel and Rush are drawn to each other magnetically (perhaps gravitationally).  Their bellies rub together rhythmically.  Finally, they bend their heads as far forward as they can, allowing their chili stained lips to meet in a passionate kiss.

Rush Limbaugh  (dream version): I love you Thelma.  You are the woman of my biggest dreams.

Thel: I love you Rush, you hunk of man, you.

Rush Limbaugh  (dream version): (gets down on one knee and whips out a ring) Marry me, Thelma.  I can’t go a day longer without you in my life.

Suddenly, a flock of frogs with wings captures Rush and slowly manages to get him airborne.  They whistle to call in reinforcements and finally fly Rush away.  As he  is slowly flown away by hundreds of heavily breathing, winged  frogs, Rush looks longingly at Thel.

Rush Limbaugh  (dream version): My dearest Thelma, I hate these liberal, terrorist frogs.  I will never forget your immense beauty.  I love women with meat on their bones.

Thel collapses in an a huge heap on the floor, bawling.  Once the frogs reach the edge of a cliff, they drop Rush.  (Dream sequence ends.)

Dan is awakened by Thel’s loud sobbing. Thel awakes almost drowning in tears.

Dan: Thel? Are you OK?  Are you still crying because your sister says she’s a lesbianna?

Thel: Yes, it’s such a tragedy.  Go to sleep honey, I’ll pray for the Lord’s Help.

Dan: Sweet dreams.

Episode 2: Lesbian Aunt

Scene I:

Thel Dullard is watching Christian television and eating more of her famous pork rinds. She feels uplifted by the threats of damnation emanating from her tv screen.  She hears a knock on the door and struggles to drag her immense body over to answer it.  It’s her sister, Jane Thomas.

Thel: What a surprise….didn’t I tell you I was busy this week.

Jane: Yes, that incredibly exhausting tv schedule must be wiping you out.  Can I come in?  I really need to talk to you about something.

Thel: All right, already.  Come in.  Obviously, you don’t mind interrupting  the word of Christ.

Jane: (sighs) Thanks, Thel.

They sit in the tv room while Thel looks perturbed.

Thel: Just a minute…

Jane: I have something to tell you.  I’ve waited years, but I can’t keep it a secret anymore.

Thel: (Waves her off) Just a minute…wait till a commercial.

Jane: It can’t wait!  Dammit, listen to me.

Thel: Shhhhhh…

Jane: I’m a lesbian.

Thel: You’ll say anything for attention.  Now, be quiet.  (Thel leans over to listen to the condemnation of abortion providers.)

Jane: This is no joke.  I’m in love with a woman, and she’s moving in with me.

Thel: How dare you talk that kind of filth in my house!!

Jane: It’s not just talk.  It’s for real.

Thel: You really are going to roast in Hell!  Get out of my house!

Jane: Some sister you are. (walks out and slams the door)

Thelma takes a big bunch of pork rinds and stuffs them into her mouth.

Scene II:

Charity Dullard struggles to unlock the door, but gets there, doing well for a 6 year old coping with a poorly maintained lock.  She maintains a sunny disposition despite her parents. She runs into the tv room to greet Thel.

Charity: Mommy, mommy! Wanna hear my good news?

Thel: Sure honey, I could use some good news.

Charity: Aunt Jane is a lesbian!  Isn’t that cool?

Thel: (Gasps and looks like she will have a coronary or a stroke.) Don’t you ever say that again!

Charity: Why not mommy?  Boys are gross.  I want to be a lesbian like Aunt Jane when I grow up.

Thel points upstairs and looks like she wants to go on a murder spree.

Thel: Get upstairs young lady.  I don’t ever want you to say that you want to be a lesbian again.  Don’t come down until dinner.

Charity: (confused) Yes, mommy.

Charity runs upstairs, bewildered.  Once she is out of site of her mother, she motions her finger around in circles, the universal crazy person symbol.

Scene III:

Dan Dullard arrives home from work.

Dan: Honey, I’m home.

Thel: Daniel, I have to talk to you.

Dan: It will have to wait.  Get me a beer.

Thel: It can not wait.  The Lord would not allow it.  My sister has gone to far.  She is telling people that she is a lesbian.  Our daughter is too young to understand, but that didn’t stop her from saying that she wants to be a lesbian when she grows up.

Dan: Your sister really is doing the work of Satan.   Sometimes I wonder how you two can even be related.  I will not have my innocent daughter saying she is a lesbianna.  Your sister is banned from this house.

Thel: What will our pastor say?  Will he banish us?  I don’t want to have to go to another church where they make you stand up to pray and sing.

Dan opens a laptop computer and starts typing.  On the back, you can see a label that says “Property of Acme Industries, Inc.”

Dan: There! I’ve emailed that horrible Jane and told her as long as she is obsessed with cunnilipulous, she cannot set foot in our good Christian home.  Now, get me a beer, Thel!

Thel: I’m glad to be your ever so humble wife.  (Thel struggles towards the kitchen.)


When Thelma is out of the room, Dan starts thumbing through a catalog for mail order brides.