Posts Tagged ‘Jane Thomas’

Episode 9: What Turns You On?

Scene 1:

Jane Thomas sees her sister Thelma Dullard at the Boring Corners Mall and intercepts her at the hot dog stand.

Jane: Thel!

Thelma: I don’t want you talking to me until you stop eating kittens.

Jane: (offended) Lesbians don’t eat kittens. We don’t eat dogs, parrots, or any other kind of pets either. Where do you come up with this crap? (realizes what Thelma meant and starts to laugh) Oh, I get what you are trying to say. Thel, you really need to get out more.

Thelma: You need to accept Christ and stop being a lesbianese!

Jane: It’s lesbian! (heavy sigh) Anyway, I’m here to help you now that Dan got laid off.

Thelma: It’s so terrible how they singled him out because of his Christian beliefs.

Jane: That’s odd. I heard Enormco laid him off because he stole so much stuff from them.
Anyway, I’m here to help. A friend of mine is looking for plus size models for a photo shoot.

Thelma: I’m a good Christian woman! I won’t expose myself this way.

Jane: (laughs) They are modeling winter coats. You won’t have to show any skin that isn’t on your face. Here, take her card and at least think about it.

Thelma takes the card and storms off in a slow huff.

Scene 2:

Rush Dullard and Sean Coulter are walking home from school.

Rush: I was wondering something about you telling me you’re gay.

Sean: I’m so glad I got that over with. It’s such a relief.

Rush: (nervous) Were you telling me because you’re into me? (hesitates) I’m not gay, but you’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you cause I’m not into you that way.

Sean: Relax, you’re not my type…not even close.

Rush: What is your type?

Sean: I’m totally into Daddy Bears.

Rush: (eyes open really wide) What the fuck? You’re into animals?

Sean: (laughing uncontrollably) Dude…I’m not…into animals. (laughs some more) Daddy Bears is gayspeak.

Rush: (confused but relieved) What for?

Sean: Daddies are guys old enough to be your father, and bears are big hairy guys, fat, muscular, or both.

Rush: Wow. You guys live in a different world. Anyway…Dude, now I wonder. Is my Mom a bear?

Sean: Nah, you have to be a guy to be a bear, besides it’s not like she’s hairy.

Rush: Well…

Sean: Ewwwwww! Anyway, the main thing is that I’m not lusting after you. You can relax. OK?

Rush: Cool.

Episode 2: Lesbian Aunt

Scene I:

Thel Dullard is watching Christian television and eating more of her famous pork rinds. She feels uplifted by the threats of damnation emanating from her tv screen.  She hears a knock on the door and struggles to drag her immense body over to answer it.  It’s her sister, Jane Thomas.

Thel: What a surprise….didn’t I tell you I was busy this week.

Jane: Yes, that incredibly exhausting tv schedule must be wiping you out.  Can I come in?  I really need to talk to you about something.

Thel: All right, already.  Come in.  Obviously, you don’t mind interrupting  the word of Christ.

Jane: (sighs) Thanks, Thel.

They sit in the tv room while Thel looks perturbed.

Thel: Just a minute…

Jane: I have something to tell you.  I’ve waited years, but I can’t keep it a secret anymore.

Thel: (Waves her off) Just a minute…wait till a commercial.

Jane: It can’t wait!  Dammit, listen to me.

Thel: Shhhhhh…

Jane: I’m a lesbian.

Thel: You’ll say anything for attention.  Now, be quiet.  (Thel leans over to listen to the condemnation of abortion providers.)

Jane: This is no joke.  I’m in love with a woman, and she’s moving in with me.

Thel: How dare you talk that kind of filth in my house!!

Jane: It’s not just talk.  It’s for real.

Thel: You really are going to roast in Hell!  Get out of my house!

Jane: Some sister you are. (walks out and slams the door)

Thelma takes a big bunch of pork rinds and stuffs them into her mouth.

Scene II:

Charity Dullard struggles to unlock the door, but gets there, doing well for a 6 year old coping with a poorly maintained lock.  She maintains a sunny disposition despite her parents. She runs into the tv room to greet Thel.

Charity: Mommy, mommy! Wanna hear my good news?

Thel: Sure honey, I could use some good news.

Charity: Aunt Jane is a lesbian!  Isn’t that cool?

Thel: (Gasps and looks like she will have a coronary or a stroke.) Don’t you ever say that again!

Charity: Why not mommy?  Boys are gross.  I want to be a lesbian like Aunt Jane when I grow up.

Thel points upstairs and looks like she wants to go on a murder spree.

Thel: Get upstairs young lady.  I don’t ever want you to say that you want to be a lesbian again.  Don’t come down until dinner.

Charity: (confused) Yes, mommy.

Charity runs upstairs, bewildered.  Once she is out of site of her mother, she motions her finger around in circles, the universal crazy person symbol.

Scene III:

Dan Dullard arrives home from work.

Dan: Honey, I’m home.

Thel: Daniel, I have to talk to you.

Dan: It will have to wait.  Get me a beer.

Thel: It can not wait.  The Lord would not allow it.  My sister has gone to far.  She is telling people that she is a lesbian.  Our daughter is too young to understand, but that didn’t stop her from saying that she wants to be a lesbian when she grows up.

Dan: Your sister really is doing the work of Satan.   Sometimes I wonder how you two can even be related.  I will not have my innocent daughter saying she is a lesbianna.  Your sister is banned from this house.

Thel: What will our pastor say?  Will he banish us?  I don’t want to have to go to another church where they make you stand up to pray and sing.

Dan opens a laptop computer and starts typing.  On the back, you can see a label that says “Property of Acme Industries, Inc.”

Dan: There! I’ve emailed that horrible Jane and told her as long as she is obsessed with cunnilipulous, she cannot set foot in our good Christian home.  Now, get me a beer, Thel!

Thel: I’m glad to be your ever so humble wife.  (Thel struggles towards the kitchen.)


When Thelma is out of the room, Dan starts thumbing through a catalog for mail order brides.

Episode 1: Adventures in Grocery Shopping

Scene I

Thelma Dullard is out grocery shopping.  She grabs a couple of grapes off a bunch in the produce section and nibbles on them.   She spots Madhulika in the store.  With a sudden fury, Thelma stomps over to Madhulika, fists clenched.

Thelma: How dare you wear a burpa in this country!  You damned Muzzie!

Madhulika: (laughing) This is a sari, not a burqa. I am Hindu.

Thelma: You bet you’ll be sorry when you are roasting in Hell, Muslim!

Madhulika: Surely you know the difference between a Hindu and a Muslim…

Thelma: You Hindu Muslims all a bunch of sinners and terrorists.

Madhulika: Hindus aren’t Muslims. Many of the Muslims hate us.

Thelma: Jesus isn’t happy with you…

Madhulika: Do you read newspapers?

Thelma: I get all of my information from Christian radio, not the evil liberal media.

Madhulika: Do you know anything about the rest of the world?

Thelma: I know where you are going if you don’t repent, Muslim.  Turn or burn, jezzabelle!

Madhulika: (pissed off by now) How dare you!!! I’m a happily married woman!  How could you be so stupid? Did you even finish primary school?  Were you sleeping in class?

Thelma: I was not sleeping in class.  I was reading the Bible.  And, you’re not as smart as you think you are.  You aren’t smart enough to accept Jesus Christ as you one true savior.

Madhulika walks away, shaking her head.

Thelma’s 240 pound mass of a body is shaking with fear and loathing.  Her face is bright red. She has half a mind to complain to the store manager, but then she is distracted by a sale on pork rinds.

Scene II

Thelma’s cell phone rings while she waits in line to check out. It’s her sister Jane Thomas.  Thelma grunts and answers.

Thelma: I am so upset with you.  How dare you try to give my precious daughter one of the satanic Harry Porter books!

Jane: Satanic?  You’re not still going off on that are you?

Thelma ignores the woman in back of her in line who is giggling uncontrollably.

Thelma: Don’t make fun of me with your fancy college values.  Your professors brainwashed you into Satan’s way.

Jane: Sometimes I wonder why I bother… Anyway, there’s something I need to talk to you about.

Thelma: It will have to wait until next week.  I am a very busy woman.  I have four kids. When are you going to get married to a good Christian man and start having lots of kids?

Jane: All right, already.  I’ll call you next week. Bye.

Thelma: Jesus died for you.

Thelma hangs up.