Posts Tagged ‘Rev. E.Z. Cash’

Episode 11: Time for Church

Scene 1:

People with SUVs and other gas guzzlers are driving into the parking lot of the Boring Corners Ultrachurch. Sean Coulter’s parents are admiring somebody’s minivan while Sean Coulter is confronted by Assistant Pastor David. David is a hairy man with big shoulders and a fairly big belly. David stares at Sean with fury.

Asst. Pastor David: How dare you dress the way you do! Your long hair and mascara are so sinful!

Sean: (laughs): Chill dude.

Asst. Pastor David: Is that all you have to say?

Sean: It’s not like I even want to be here. The parental units are forcing me to show.

Asst. Pastor David: That is the wrong kind of attitude.

Sean: Dude, I’m a lost soul. Stop obsessing on saving me. (walks away)

Sean sees Rush Dullard in the crowd and walks over to him.

Rush: Hey, Gothman, protector of fun from the evil forces of Christianity.

Sean: Not so loud, dude. Our rents might hear, and we’re not 18 yet.

Rush: (laughs) Oops. How’s it going?

Sean: I talked to Patty Palin. (winks)

Rush: (silly schoolboy crush smile) How’s she doing?

Sean: She thinks you’re cool for accepting me as gay.

Rush: (beaming) She does? Wow.

Nelson Norris walks towards Sean and Rush.

Nelson: Young man. Don’t worry about what that guy says. God doesn’t care about how you dress or what your hair is like.

Sean: Ummmm…OK. Who are you?

Nelson: Nelson Norris. (They shake hands.) I just get tired of people judging people by hair and clothes.

Sean: That’s cool. This is my friend Rush. (more handshaking) Church is starting. I better go hang with the parental ATM machines.

Nelson: (smiles but not sexually) Nice meeting you, young man.

Sean goes over to his parents. His mom notices Nelson and flashes a look of terror on her face.

Scene 2:

Rev. E.Z. Cash is walking out of the church, tired from all his Bible thumping, and sees Dan Dullard with Thelma Dullard.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: How’s the job hunt going?

Dan: (nervous) Nothing yet.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Well, we have good news for you. We have a job opening up.

Dan: (excited) What is it?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: We need a new church janitor. The last one has gotten a higher paying job at CrudMart.

Dan: I applied for that job. (shrugs)

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Are you interested?

Dan: (not doing a great job of hiding his sadness and disgust) Sure, I need a job. Thank you so much, Reverend.

Thelma: (beaming) Thank you so much, Reverend Cash. You are such an inspiration to us all.

Rush walks towards his Dad.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Good man, and remember to tithe. Work hard on your new job.

Cash walks away.

Rush: You got a job, Dad?

Dan: (crestfallen) Yes, son.

Rush: What’s wrong?

Dan: I’m going to be the new Boring Corners Megachurch custodian.

Thelma: God respects all honest work. You are a good man, Dan.

Rush’s eyes are laughing, but he says nothing. He walks over to Sean, who is staring at his shoes waiting for his parents to stop gossiping with their friends.

Rush: (giggling) Guess what? Dad’s going to be the new church janitor.

Sean: Don’t laugh too hard. Your family will be living on that salary.

Rush: It’s too funny. I don’t care. Dude, are there any openings at Boring Corners Puters, where you work?

Sean: There is a part time thang, and you are qualified. Dude, I think you are going to get tired of me.

Rush: Awwww…I’ll never get tired of my best friend.

Sean: If you get any mushier, I won’t refer you for the job. (winks)

Rush: (sees something) That creepy Assistant Pastor David is walking this way. Let’s walk home.

Sean: I’m running. Last one at my house has to kiss him, or even worse, listen to him.

Rush: (laughs) No fair dude. You run faster than I do.

(They run off.)

Episode 8: Dan Gets in Trouble with His Pastor

Scene 1:

Dan Dullard is sitting in the Dullards’ living room watching football instead of job hunting after his company laid him off. Thelma Dullard is vacuuming the furniture, while looking for change under the cushions. The doorbell rings, and Thelma answers it.

Rev. E.Z Cash of the Boring Corners Ultrachurch comes into view as Thelma opens the door. He is wearing an Armani suit, Prada shoes, and a watch so expensive that it screams “steal me.”

Thelma: (beaming) Good evening reverend. Please come in. Won’t you have a seat?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Thanks ma’am. I need to speak to your husband alone.

Thelma: (worried) Sure…I’ll go clean. (drags her lumbering form up the stairs)

Rev. E.Z. Cash: (concerned) We all know the economy is bad because a Kenyan, socialist, atheist, Muslim is in the White House. We understand that cash is short. But, you have to be a good Christian breadwinner and get a job.

Dan: (ashamed) I’m trying, but no one has called back yet.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: That may be, but we can’t keep you in our congregation forever if you aren’t tithing.

Dan: Aren’t Christians supposed to help the poor and unfortunate?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: That’s a bunch of liberal, communist, atheist, PC bull. God showers his abundance on good Christians. If you don’t have a job, you aren’t a good enough Christian.

Dan: I’m so sorry…

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Otherwise, you will have to attend the Merely Megachurch down the road.

Dan: (horrified) I’ll do my best. Will you pray for me?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Of course! I’ve got to get going.

Cash lets himself out while Dan sits in stunned silence for a moment. Then, Dan gets up, turns on his laptop, and actually looks at job search sites.

Scene 2:

Rush Dullard is walking up to the front porch of the Dullard residence as Rev. E.Z. Cash is leaving.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Hello, young man. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.

Rush: (suspiciously) About what, Pastor?

Rev. E.Z. Cash: You should get a job. You are almost 18, and you should be tithing already.

Rush: Yeah, you gotta pay for those expensive…uh…missionary programs.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Our church does important work among those people in Africa.

Rush: (trying to hide his disgust at the patronizing and racist comment) Gotta go study. Bye.

Rev. E.Z. Cash: Think about what I said. (walks towards his brand new luxury SUV which gets under 10 mpg)

Rush checks to see if Rev. E.Z. Cash is looking back. Once he’s sure that isn’t the case, he gives the Rev. the finger.