Posts Tagged ‘Rick Patrick Dullard’

Episode 12: Danger! Dullards Approach the Workplace

Scene 1:

A nervous Rush Dullard walks into Boring Corners Puters. The store owner, Noah Chopper, is waiting for him. Rush almost stumbles into a display.

Noah: Hey, you’re Sean’s friend Rush, right?

Rush: Yes sir.

Noah: (laughs) You don’t have to call me sir, Dude, I have an opening you might be just right for. Sean says you play a lot of computer games.

Rush: (worried) I promise I’ll never play video games at work. I’ll work really hard.

Noah: Chill. The opening is in video and computer game sales.

Rush: Awesome. (gets a big, toothy grin)

Noah: Cool, what’s your favorite game?

Rush: (very eager) Bible Fight rocks! So does any game where the lions kill the Christians…. (pauses and looks terrified after realizing what he has just said)

Noah: Sean showed me that game! It’s wicked! You’re hired!

Scene 2:

Thelma Dullard is staring at the business card that her sister Jane Thomas gave her. Being a plus size model sounds so sinful, but Thelma feels really deprived at having to cut back on her pork rinds, ice cream desserts, and diet soda. Thelma offers a silent prayer to her maker and walks slowly towards the phone, with the floor quaking beneath her.

Thelma: (into the phone) Can I please speak to Spike Bachman?

Spike Backmann, a butch dyke with extremely fashionable clothes is on the other end.

Spike: Speaking, babe. (unzips her $12,000 leather jacket)

Thelma: (flustered) Hello, uhh…my name is Thelma Dullard, my sister Jane Thomas says you have work as a plu, plu, Pluto sized model…I mean a plus sized model.

Spike: Yeah, I know Jane. She’s says you’re pretty big. Can you stand still and look happy for a couple of hours?

Thelma: I sure can. I’ll think of the pork rinds I can buy.

Spike: (gets a WTF look on her face) Great, babe. Show up at 3467 Genesis Corners, Suite 664 at Noon tomorrow. We’ll make you into a big fashion star!

Thelma: Thanks so much.

After she gets off the phone, Thelma gets down on her knees, sobbing.

Thelma: I am so sorry Lord. Please don’t make me roast in Hell.

Thelma slowly struggles back to her feet, regretting having knelt down.

Scene 3:

The next day, Thelma gets ready for her work assignment. She has the kids gathered in front of her. Rush, Rick Patrick, and Charity Dullard look on at their terrified mother.

Thelma: Mommy is going to have to go to work today. I know this isn’t what the Lord would ordinarily want, but with your father being laid off, I have to help take care of this family.

Rick Patrick: What are you going to do, Mommy?

Thelma: (almost in tears) You must never ask me that, young man.

Charity: Can I stay at Aunt Jane’s?

Thelma: Young lady, you will not go to her house until she stops being a lesterbian! You will stay at home and watch Christian TV like a good young lady!

Charity: (depressed) Yes, mommy.

Thelma: And, Rush, don’t you let that Satanic Sean Coulter into our house while I’m gone!

Thelma lumbers out like she is facing an execution. Rush then walks to the phone and starts pressing the buttons.

Rush: Hey Sean! Come over dude. Thel’s gone. You wouldn’t believe what she is doing.

Charity: (looks at Rush with anticipation) I guess we both are going to Hell. I’ll go play with my dolls while I’m waiting. (runs upstairs with a smile on her face)

Rick Patrick: Should we explain to her what Hell means?

Rush: Why ruin her childhood so soon? She’ll have years to suffer later with Mom and Dad.

Rick Patrick goes over, and turns on the TV to watch an episode of Chrystal Peters’ show. He stares in lustful awe.

Chrystal: (breathing heavily) Are you a big, strong, Christian man? Do you want to be saved…just…like…me…..

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Episode 6: Rotten Parents

Scene 1:

Dan Dullard is looking at mail order bride sites on the laptop he stole from work while pretending to look for a new job. Rick Patrick Dullard runs into the room with a baseball and bat, looking really eager.

Rick: Dad, will you show me how to hit a baseball better.

Dan: Be quiet boy! I’m busy!

Rick: But, the other kids say I throw like a girl…

Dan: You will burn in Hell if you keep disobeying your father. Keep quiet.

Rick runs back upstairs crying. Dan picks up the phone.

Dan: Hey Pal. You sent your boy to military school, right? Did it man him up?

Scene 2:

Later, Thelma Dullard is lying on the couch snoring, with a pork rind on her navel which is sticking out of an 3XL shirt that is too small for her. Her mind goes into another sexy dream about Rush Limbaugh. Thelma and the dream version of Rush are walking home from an ice cream parlor.

Thelma: Rush, you are such a man.

Rush Limbaugh, Dream Version: We’re almost at my place. I can’t wait to devour you.

Thelma: I can’t wait, you big hunk of man, you.

Rush Limbaugh, Dream Version: (opens the door and leads Thelma into the bedroom) Now, we can finally live our enormous, undying passion for each other.

Thelma: Oh Rush! (they kiss)

Rush Dullard runs downstairs into the living room. He sees Thelma lying on the couch, asleep and undulating.

Thelma: Rush, take me now! I’m yours.

Rush Dullard looks panicked.

Thelma: Let me be your dirty girl, Rush. I’ll do anything, anything.

Rush Dullard bolts back up the stairs

Scene 3:

Rush Dullard is playing a video game involving the lions killing the Christians with his little brother Rick.

Rick: I asked Dad to show me how to hit a baseball better, and he told me to shut up. I hate him.

Rush: Yeah, I hate Dad too, but it’s probably a good thing he didn’t.

Rick: Why? The kids at school keep making fun of me.

Rush: He can’t hit a baseball either. It would be like Mom giving out dieting advice. I’ll show you in a few minutes, but first, let’s kill us some more Christians.

Rick: Awesome!

Episode 5: Daddy Gets Laid Off

Scene 1

Thelma Dullard is in the kitchen, enjoying her beloved pork rinds along with cheese puffs and diet soda. She is watching a Christian program where the talking head is bemoaning people in a far off country who will burn in hell because they haven’t found Christ. Dan Dullard enters the room and puts down his laptop. He opens it which prominently displays a sticker saying, “Property of EnormCo.”

Dan: Thel, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been laid off.

Thelma: (turns the tv off and burps)

Dan: Is that all you can do?

Thelma: Sorry, dear. I’m in shock. (burps again) The Lord is testing us. Why did they lay you off? You have worked there 24 years.

Dan: They singled me out for my Christian beliefs.

Thelma: They will roast in hell. (pauses and tries to think) Does this mean we won’t get any more toilet paper from the company storeroom?

Dan: I’m afraid it does. How will I tell the children? It’s so unfair.

In a titanic struggle, Thelma gets up from her chair. She opens the refrigerator and stuffs 2 ice cream treats into her mouth, trying to ease the pain. Dan starts to surf the web for sites advertising mail order brides.

Scene 2

Rick Patrick Dullard slowly ambles into the kitchen. He is rather immature for an 11 year old. His obese belly hangs out a bit from his untucked shirt. Charity and Rush follow behind. Rick sees his parents are upset.

Rick: I didn’t do it.

Thelma: (chomps on a pork rind) Honey, we aren’t upset with you.

Rush: What did you want to talk to us about?

Charity: Are you going to warn us about Aunt Jane again?

Thelma: You should stay away from that sinner, but we have to talk to you about something else now. The good Lord has put a challenge before our Christian family to test our faith.

Dan: Yes, I have been laid off. I will have to find a new job.

Rick: Does that mean we will have to buy school supplies at the store, like other families?

Thel: (gestures with a hand with cheese stains) Yes, Ricky. It does. We will have to struggle to get by. (bows her head to make a short prayer and then spills her diet soda)

The phone rings, and Dan picks it up.

Dan: No, I don’t know where the laptop went…..I don’t know a thing about the boxes of copy paper……I didn’t even know that the company bought the higher ups tickets to the game…I resent these questions. I’m a good Christian! (hangs up)

Charity: Daddy, are you a thief? Are you going to roast in hell like Mom says all bad people will?

Thelma: How dare you? Go upstairs and pray so that won’t roast in hell, young lady!

Charity runs upstairs crying.

Charity: Oh my God. Daddy’s going to jail. Mom will have to sell me to the abeeists or the homerspecials!

Rush: (walks upstairs, muttering to himself) Only three months till I’m 18. Only three months till I’m 18.

Thelma drags herself off the chair, goes to get a paper towel from a stack Dan had pilfered from the EnormCo restroom, and cleans the spilled soda, breathing heavily.