Posts Tagged ‘Spike Backmann’

Episode 12: Danger! Dullards Approach the Workplace

Scene 1:

A nervous Rush Dullard walks into Boring Corners Puters. The store owner, Noah Chopper, is waiting for him. Rush almost stumbles into a display.

Noah: Hey, you’re Sean’s friend Rush, right?

Rush: Yes sir.

Noah: (laughs) You don’t have to call me sir, Dude, I have an opening you might be just right for. Sean says you play a lot of computer games.

Rush: (worried) I promise I’ll never play video games at work. I’ll work really hard.

Noah: Chill. The opening is in video and computer game sales.

Rush: Awesome. (gets a big, toothy grin)

Noah: Cool, what’s your favorite game?

Rush: (very eager) Bible Fight rocks! So does any game where the lions kill the Christians…. (pauses and looks terrified after realizing what he has just said)

Noah: Sean showed me that game! It’s wicked! You’re hired!

Scene 2:

Thelma Dullard is staring at the business card that her sister Jane Thomas gave her. Being a plus size model sounds so sinful, but Thelma feels really deprived at having to cut back on her pork rinds, ice cream desserts, and diet soda. Thelma offers a silent prayer to her maker and walks slowly towards the phone, with the floor quaking beneath her.

Thelma: (into the phone) Can I please speak to Spike Bachman?

Spike Backmann, a butch dyke with extremely fashionable clothes is on the other end.

Spike: Speaking, babe. (unzips her $12,000 leather jacket)

Thelma: (flustered) Hello, uhh…my name is Thelma Dullard, my sister Jane Thomas says you have work as a plu, plu, Pluto sized model…I mean a plus sized model.

Spike: Yeah, I know Jane. She’s says you’re pretty big. Can you stand still and look happy for a couple of hours?

Thelma: I sure can. I’ll think of the pork rinds I can buy.

Spike: (gets a WTF look on her face) Great, babe. Show up at 3467 Genesis Corners, Suite 664 at Noon tomorrow. We’ll make you into a big fashion star!

Thelma: Thanks so much.

After she gets off the phone, Thelma gets down on her knees, sobbing.

Thelma: I am so sorry Lord. Please don’t make me roast in Hell.

Thelma slowly struggles back to her feet, regretting having knelt down.

Scene 3:

The next day, Thelma gets ready for her work assignment. She has the kids gathered in front of her. Rush, Rick Patrick, and Charity Dullard look on at their terrified mother.

Thelma: Mommy is going to have to go to work today. I know this isn’t what the Lord would ordinarily want, but with your father being laid off, I have to help take care of this family.

Rick Patrick: What are you going to do, Mommy?

Thelma: (almost in tears) You must never ask me that, young man.

Charity: Can I stay at Aunt Jane’s?

Thelma: Young lady, you will not go to her house until she stops being a lesterbian! You will stay at home and watch Christian TV like a good young lady!

Charity: (depressed) Yes, mommy.

Thelma: And, Rush, don’t you let that Satanic Sean Coulter into our house while I’m gone!

Thelma lumbers out like she is facing an execution. Rush then walks to the phone and starts pressing the buttons.

Rush: Hey Sean! Come over dude. Thel’s gone. You wouldn’t believe what she is doing.

Charity: (looks at Rush with anticipation) I guess we both are going to Hell. I’ll go play with my dolls while I’m waiting. (runs upstairs with a smile on her face)

Rick Patrick: Should we explain to her what Hell means?

Rush: Why ruin her childhood so soon? She’ll have years to suffer later with Mom and Dad.

Rick Patrick goes over, and turns on the TV to watch an episode of Chrystal Peters’ show. He stares in lustful awe.

Chrystal: (breathing heavily) Are you a big, strong, Christian man? Do you want to be saved…just…like…me…..